Chapter 38 (8/4/16)

Over the next week, I went out once with Jesse (we would have gone out more, but our schedules didn’t always mesh well) and saw Ryan twice.  I still hadn’t done anything more than kiss Jesse, but unlike with Dan (ugh, remember him?) it didn’t bother me.  It seemed right to let it happen when it happened, rather than pushing for it too soon. 

So when he invited me over on Saturday I wasn’t really expecting anything, but after making out on the couch for a little while, he asked, “Do you want to go to my room?”

“Yes,” I said without hesitating.  He stood and offered me a hand, pulling me to my feet and leading me to his room.  Once we were there, I suddenly got a little nervous for some reason.  Not in a bad way, just in a “first time having sex with someone I sort of like” way.

Jesse pushed push a piece of hair back from my face and wrapped his fingers around the back of my neck, pulling me gently in towards him.  His lips turned up into a slight smile just before they pressed against mine.  I wrapped my arms around his back and relaxed into his kiss, letting my body melt against his. 

Our sex was simple, sweet, and quite enjoyable.  I curled against him after, and he ran his fingers along my hairline, relaxing me even further.  I yawned and snuggled closer to him, enjoying his warmth in the central air-cooled room. 

“Do you want to spend the night?” he asked, his voice giving me no hint of how he was hoping I’d answer. 

“Do you want me to?” I asked in response.  “I’d like to, but if you’d prefer I went home, I’m completely okay with that.”  It was true.  I understood not wanting to do sleepovers.

His arms tightened around me and he said, “I want you to stay.”  So I did.

In the morning, we laid in bed for a long time before getting up and going to find brunch.  The first restaurant we tried had a 45 minute wait and I was quickly nearing hanger levels of hunger. 

Luckily, we were much more successful with the second place we choose, and we were soon settled at a table.  While we were waiting for our food, Jesse cleared his throat and said, “So, I’m not seeing anyone else.”

Caught off guard, I wasn’t able to think of anything to say besides, “Oh.”

He paused as if waiting for me to say more, and when I didn’t, he said, “And I don’t really want to see anyone else.”

“Oh,” I said again.  Jesse narrowed his eyes at me, and I knew I had to say something else.  “Um, I…” I started, but I stopped, lost for words.

“Are you seeing someone else?” he asked.  His voice was even, but he looked hurt.

“Well, kind of,” I said finally.  He looked down, and trying to fix it, I said, “You never said you wanted to be exclusive.”

He looked back up at me and shook his head.  “No, you’re right.  I’m telling you now, though.  And I guess I just thought…” he paused and rubbed his forehead, then stared over my shoulder for a couple seconds before continuing.  “I just thought we were really connecting, so I guess I kind of assumed you were feeling the same things I was feeling.”

I frowned, feeling supremely uncomfortable.  This was not a conversation I was even closed to prepared to be having right now.  And in public, at that!  “Jesse, I think we’re connecting too,” I said honestly.  “But I don’t know if I’m really ready to be exclusive yet.  With anyone,” I added hurriedly, seeing the crestfallen look on his face.  But it didn’t help.

“With anyone?” he asked.  “And just how many guys are you seeing?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  I was about to answer when our server came with our food.  Relieved for the temporary respite, I focused intently on her method of placing our plates in front of us.  Then I looked back up at him.  “That’s not what I meant.  I was just trying to say that it doesn’t have anything to do with you.  It’s just that I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I want, and I’m just not ready to make that jump.”

He looked like he wanted to say more but chose instead to pick up his fork and take a bite of his omelet.  I spent most of the meal staring at my plate.  I didn’t regret my refusal to move to exclusivity with Jesse, but I hated how hurt he seemed by it. 

After we ate, he paid the bill despite my offer to do so, and our ride back to his house was tense and quiet.  “I’m really sorry that I wasn’t more up front with you,” I said to him as he pulled into his apartment building’s parking lot.  “I really am enjoying getting to know you and I’d like to keep seeing you but I also understand if you don’t want to.”

“I’m not like your ex-husband,” he said, turning off the engine and pivoting in his seat to look at me.  “If that’s what you’re scared of.”

I frowned. “I’m not scared,” I said, shaking my head.  “I’m just not ready.”

“Look, I need a few days to wrap my head around all this,” Jesse said slowly.  “I’m not ruling anything out, because I really like you.  But this isn’t at all how I expected this conversation to go, so I just need to think about it all a little.”

“I understand,” I said.  I felt guilty but I wasn’t going to let my guilt rope me into saying or doing something I would regret or something that could just end up hurting Jesse more in the long run. 

Neither of us said anything for several long seconds, and then I got awkwardly out of the car.  I was glad I didn’t have anything to retrieve inside so I just headed towards my car.  “Hey,” Jesse said, stopping me.  I turned, looking at him curiously.  “Either way, I had a lot of fun last night.  And every other time we’ve hung out.”

I managed a smile and said, “Thanks, Jesse.  I’ve had a lot of fun too.”  I didn’t wait for him to say anything else, I just got in my car.  When I started it, he was letting himself into his building.  I drove off, surprised at how little residual guilt I felt doing so.

“So, this guy that you actually like wants to be your boyfriend and you said no because…why?” Rachael asked at lunch on Monday.  I had just told her about Jesse.

“Because I’m enjoying what I have going on right now,” I said defensively.  “I’m having amazing sex with Ryan and dating Jesse, and I enjoy both and can’t really choose one that I’d like to give up.”
            “You don’t get to just date one person and have sex with someone else forever, you know,” Rachael pointed out.

I narrowed my eyes at her.  “You’re the one that wanted me to hook up with Ryan in the first place!” I said.  My defenses were up and I wasn’t completely sure why.  I took a breath and attempted to be more reasonable.  “And I know that.  And I’m not expecting to do it forever.  But don’t you think I’d be ready to give up meaningless sex with Ryan if I was truly ready to just date Jesse?”

“Probably,” she admitted.  “Unless it’s really good as you say it is!”  The mischievous sparkle was back in her eyes and she was clearly looking for details.  I gave her just enough to satisfy her without giving her a play by play, and she seemed happy with that.  “You have two excellent men in your life, and I’m responsible for both of them,” she said with a self-satisfied grin.  “I think you should pay for lunch today!”

I snorted.  “Think again,” I said, shaking my head.  “While your matchmaking skills are excellent, I don’t think I owe you lunch until I’m engaged to someone you’ve brought into my life.”

“I didn’t realize that was the rule,” she said, rolling her eyes.  But she laughed, and we enjoyed the rest of our lunch together.