Whew, the last post caused some big feelings! I just wanted to reassure you that I take no offense to your annoyance with (or dislike of!) Jenna. I appreciate everyone's comments and I welcome discussion, but I would love it if everyone continued to try to be kind to each other!
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I slept like a rock that night,
surprisingly enough. When I woke up, thoughts of the night before flooded my brain.
Instead of being angry, now I was just sad. I spent a lot of time thinking about how the
conversation had gone while I made myself breakfast, unpacked, and started
laundry. I’d gone over with good
intentions, I truly had. I was going to
let him know that I couldn’t keep seeing him.
My plan had been to tell him gently, being straightforward and honest,
but kind. Surely it was better than just
never calling him again, right?
Except it hadn’t gone that
way. It had been so much harder than I
thought, and when Ryan pointed out that putting my reasons for not wanting to
date him on him was not fair, I got defensive and angry. But now, 12 hours later, I could see he was
right. I was still upset for what he
said about Kevin, but we probably never would have gotten there if I hadn’t
been such a bitch to him for simply pointing out that my statement wasn’t
fair.
“What’s wrong with me?” I asked
Erica and Kelly at dinner that night.
We’d planned this before I left, and even though I didn’t feel like
being social, I knew I needed to see them.
“Nothing,” they both answered
simultaneously. When I rolled my eyes,
Erica said, “You’re trying to protect yourself but you’re not being smart about
it, that’s all. I think you should
apologize to him, though.”
“Yeah, probably,” I agreed
reluctantly. I wasn’t reluctant about
the thought of apologizing, because I knew I should. But I was reluctant about starting another
conversation. I just wanted some space
so I could get him out of my head.
We spent the rest of dinner talking
about the trip to Belize that Erica and John were planning. It was nice to just talk about someone else
and something normal and I was glad to forget about Ryan for awhile.
As soon as I got home, I sat on the
couch with my phone in my hand. I knew
if I didn’t call him now, I never would.
I hit the little phone icon next to his and lifted the phone to my ear,
tapping my foot nervously.
I was relieved when he didn’t
answer. I left an awkward, hurried,
stumbling message. “Hi, it’s me. Um, Jenna, I mean. Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for
last night. For getting so defensive, I
mean, and well, being a bitch to you. So
I’m sorry for that. Okay, well, you
don’t have to call me back. I just
wanted to say sorry. And I did, so, um,
I’m going to go. Okay. Bye.”
I hung up the phone and shook my head.
I’d sounded like an idiot, but at least I’d said I was sorry, and that was
the important thing.
I decided to go for a run, and I
didn’t take my phone with me. Music
didn’t seem appealing at the moment.
When I got back, I headed straight upstairs to shower. I came back down and glanced at my phone,
seeing a missed call.
It was Ryan, of course. I listened to his voicemail. His was way smoother than mine. “Hi Jenna.
I’m glad you called, and I accept your apology. I also wanted to apologize, but I was going
to give you some space. I wasn’t sure if
contacting you would just upset you more.
Anyway, I’m sorry for what I said about you and Kevin. I was surprised and angry and I lashed out at
you. It sounds like we can agree that we
both screwed up last night, and I’d really like to have a conversation with you
about this. Please call me. If you want to, I mean.” Then it went silent.
I debated calling him back to hear
what he had to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I busied myself cleaning my already
clean house. After that, I sat down to
binge watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls.
I was just
thinking about heading to bed when someone knocked on my door, startling
me. I peered uneasily through a slit in
the curtain, squinting to try to see out into the darkness. I was surprised when I
realized that Ryan was at my front door.
“What are you doing here?” I asked
him, pulling the door open.
“I miss you,” he said softly, his
eyes begging me to hear him. “Besides
last night, I haven’t seen you in almost a month.” He didn’t budge, and as much as I wanted to
just shut the door and go to bed and not deal with this, I couldn’t. I turned away from him. I couldn’t shut the door, but that didn’t
mean I had to stand here and look at those gorgeous, pleading eyes.
“You miss my vagina,” I said
quietly, starting to walk away. I
couldn’t reconcile the Ryan that was standing just inside my front door with
the cocky Ryan who had casually told me that he just didn’t think about the
woman he was dating while he was working.
He caught my wrist gently with two
fingers, being careful not to grab it hard.
“No,” he said, his voice firm now.
“I miss you.”
I turned back towards him, my eyes
searching his face for even a hint of bullshit.
“You don’t miss people, Ryan. You
told me that yourself.” I wasn’t trying
to be combative, I just didn’t understand where any of this was coming from.
“I know, that’s why this is so
hard. I’ve never had to deal with
feeling like this before.” His eyes were
still pleading with me, and I had to look away again. When I looked back, I was fighting tears.
“We can’t,” I said, my voice barely
above a whisper. “I can’t.”
“I’m not in a hurry,” Ryan said,
taking a tentative step toward me. When
I backed up, the hurt was clear on his face.
“We’d go at your pace, Jenna.
This is new for me too.”
“This isn’t new for me,” I protested. “That’s the problem.”
“Being with me would be new,” he
pointed out. “I’m not him, Jenna. Let me prove it.”
I couldn’t stop the tears now. “You shouldn’t have to prove it. You should be with someone who believes it!”
He laughed and shook his head. I scrubbed at my face furiously with my
hands, and I was relieved when he didn’t attempt to approach me again. “All a new relationship is is people proving
themselves over and over until they get bored with it and settle into some
crappy routine,” he told me. “The
difference is that I’ll never stop proving myself.”
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to let go and crumble against him
and let myself feel the way he felt, but I couldn’t. “I’ve been kind of awful to you,” I said,
confused. “Why are you here after the
way I’ve acted?”
“Because I’m a glutton for
punishment, I guess,” he replied, smiling slightly. “I don’t know, to be honest. Because I think it’s worth it. I think you’re worth it. You’ve probably only been awful out of
self-preservation, because you’re scared.
You’ve never been awful before.”
My front door was still open, and I
pushed it closed, accidentally pushing much harder than I needed to. I jumped when it connected with the frame with a loud bang. Ryan looked surprised, but didn’t move. “I need to sleep,” I whispered. I didn’t kick him out. I left it up to him if he was staying or
going. It was the only thing I could
do. I couldn’t bring myself to kick him
out, and I couldn’t manage to invite him to stay; selfishly, I took that decision out of my hands and thrust it on him. Giving him one last look, I turned and walked
upstairs to my room.
I brushed my teeth and got into
bed, curling into a ball under my blanket.
I couldn’t seem to stop the tears that started rolling relentlessly down
my face. I was just trying to convince myself that Ryan had left because that’s
what I had wanted when I heard a light knock on my door.
The door creaked open and Ryan
walked into my room. I heard the door
shut softly behind him and the sound of his footsteps continued over to my
bed. I had my back to the door and I
didn’t move, listening to hear what he’d do.
I felt his weight on the bed, and then he curled his body around mine,
but on top of the blanket. When he
wrapped his arm around me, I pulled mine out from under the blanket and wove my
fingers in with his. It was a small
gesture, but I hoped it conveyed that I was glad he’d stayed. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and he made no move to do anything but lay there with me. Eventually, I drifted to sleep.