Chapter 50 (9/11/16)

My second date with Ryan was even better than the first.  He ended up getting stuck at work late, so instead of dinner like we’d planned, we ended up going out for dessert and a drink.  Ryan was apologetic, clearly feeling terrible for the change in plans.  “I almost never get stuck late at work, it figures that it would happen tonight.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I reassured him.  “We still got to see each other, so it works!”

We were seated in a cozy corner of a small Italian restaurant downtown, sharing two desserts and a bottle of wine.  I had been worried that the easy, low effort time we’d spent together would be lost now that we were doing this.  Not that I wanted things to be lazy, but part of what I loved about spending time with Ryan was how easy it was.  I was relieved that so far it had been low-key and just as effortless (minus my nervousness during the first date) as always. 

“So where are you going tomorrow?” I asked him. 

“Austria,” he replied.  “Graz, to be specific.  We have a partner there.”

Ryan had done plenty of traveling since we started sleeping together, but this was the first time I actually knew where he was off to.  I had never cared before.  “What do you do while you’re there?” I asked curiously.  I was slightly ashamed to admit that I had no actual idea what he did at work.

“Depends on the trip.  On this one I’m going to be in charge of updating some contracts and fixing a problem on one of the deals they’re working on.  Not one of the more exciting trips I’ve been on lately.  At least it’s a shorter one, I’ll be back next Wednesday.” 

“So you’ll only forget about me for a week, then?” I teased him. 

“Who knows, maybe I won’t forget about you at all,” he replied, smirking.  “I guess we’ll find out!”

I gave him a mock dirty look and he started laughing.  “I haven’t yet forgotten about you while I’ve been working.  Not a single trip since we started spending time together.”

“What?” I asked, surprised.  “What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said,” he replied with a shrug.  I stared at him for several seconds, neither of us speaking.  “Don’t look at me like that,” he said finally, laughing.  “Come on, Jenna.  Don’t act shocked that I have real, human feelings.”

“You pitched yourself as feeling-less,” I reminded him. 

“No,” he argued.  “I pitched myself as someone with fewer than average feelings, at least up until that point of my life.”

“Semantics!” I responded with a chuckle, throwing my hands up. 

He grinned and countered, “An important distinction.”

We argued playfully until I finally admitted defeat and gave up.  We stayed at the restaurant until it closed at 10, and then wandered down to the lakewalk.  We wandered for a little while before finding a bench in a quiet spot and sitting.  Ryan put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him in the chilly early fall air.  We sat there for way too long, talking and teasing each other until I could barely keep my eyes open. 

“I’d better get you home,” Ryan said, after I yawned for the 4^th time in less than 2 minutes. 

“Yeah, some of us have to get up for work in the morning,” I replied. 

“Hey, I haven’t heard you begging to go home.  It’s not my fault my flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon,” he retorted.  He stood and offered me a hand, pulling me up and into him.  He wrapped his arms around me and smirked at me.

“This doesn’t look like getting me home,” I pointed out sassily. 

“Can’t blame a guy for wanting to spend all night with you, can you?” he asked.  He took advantage of my upturned face and kissed me softly.  I freed my arms from where they were trapped between us and wrapped them around his neck, kissing him back eagerly.  A little voice at the back of my mind nagged me to get home, and I knew I’d be exhausted the next day, but I didn’t care. 

The lakewalk was deserted this late on this cool evening, and we kissed uninterrupted for several minutes.  Finally I untangled myself from him and frowned.  “I really should get home,” I said, disappointed.  “I’m going to be really sorry tomorrow.” 

“You’re right,” Ryan said.  “Let’s get going.”  We walked back towards his car hand in hand and I couldn’t help but be a little freaked out about how much I wanted to stay here with him all night.  I took a deep breath and swallowed my fear, forcing myself to just enjoy the moment.  Luckily, the fear was fleeting, and by the time we got back to his car, I was just really tired. 

I knew it was late, but I was surprised to see it was after midnight.  “I’m blaming tomorrow’s poor work performance on you, just so you know,” I informed Ryan as he pulled out of his parking spot and headed towards my house. 

“I’d be more inclined to blame it on your negative attitude,” he joked.  “You should try believing in yourself instead.”

“I believe in my ability to hurt you very badly,” I responded seriously. 

He laughed.  “Good thing I believe in your lack of desire to actually hurt me.”

“Only because I’m too lazy,” I shot back, trying not to laugh. 

“Of course.  It has nothing to do with not wanting to mar this handsome, chiseled face, right?”

I snorted.  “Oh, I could do plenty of damage without even touching your face, trust me.”

He laughed and shook his head as he parked in my driveway.  I yawned again, glanced at the clock on the dash, and groaned.  It was so late. 

“My desire to invite you in is great, but my desire to not hate myself tomorrow for only getting 3 hours of sleep is greater,” I said to Ryan as we walked up to my door together. 

He chuckled and laid a hand on my lower back.  “I can support that life choice,” he said.  “Even though I also have a great desire to come in.” 

Despite the late hour, we weren’t in any hurry to say goodbye, and that was obvious.  Ryan leaned against the wall next to my front door and pulled me close to him.  “Thanks for being flexible tonight and understanding about work,” he said, before he pressed his lips to my forehead. 

“I had fun,” I said.  “It was actually one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.”

“Oh, really?” he asked. 

I blushed, having spoken without thinking.  “Yeah, I guess,” I replied.  “I mean, it was low-key, but there was wine and dessert and a handsome man, so I guess that’s pretty much all I require.”

“You’re so easy,” he replied, drawing an indignant glare from me.  “And pretty,” he amended.  “And sleepy,” he added as I yawned.

“I know, I need to go to bed,” I admitted.  I stood on my tiptoes and looped my arms around his neck, tipping my head up to kiss him. 

“Mmm, I’ll let you, but only because I know I won’t hear the end of it if I don’t,” he murmured after we parted.  “I’ll give you a call when I get back okay?  Don’t miss me too much, but if you do, you can try calling me.  It’s 7 hours ahead there, so email or text might work better.”

“I’m impressed that you know that off the top of your head,” I said. 

He shrugged.  “I’ve got a few stored in my memory,” he replied.  “Now go get some sleep before I can’t help but invite myself in.”

I laughed and we said goodnight.  Once I got in bed, though, I couldn’t seem to fall asleep.  It was well after 3 before I finally nodded off.

I barely made it out of the house on time in the morning.  I was firmly in denial when my alarm went off.  I hit snooze far too many times and finally stumbled out of the house covered in dry shampoo and regret. 

I got a text from Ryan at 9:30 that said, “Mornin’ beautiful.  Hope you’re not too tired today!”  I frowned at my phone, surprised to see a text from the man who hates to text.  I sent back, “Couldn’t fall asleep :( Not enough coffee in the world.  I could use some more anyway, but I have to wait until lunch.”  Not even in my desperation could I force myself to drink the gross instant stuff we had in the breakroom.  I was trying to make do with a Coke from the vending machine, but it wasn’t cutting it.  “Poor baby.  I’ll think of you while I’m napping on the plane,” he responded almost immediately. “You’re playing with some serious fire.  But since I’m nice, I still hope you have a good flight!” 

My work phone rang and I turned my attention away from my phone.  I didn’t get a chance to check it for awhile, and then forgot about it.  I was working on some mindless tasks when the bell alerting me that someone was coming in rang.  I pasted a smile on my face and looked up to greet whoever was coming in.  I was surprised to see it was Ryan. 
            “Hi,” I said, confused.  “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I’m glad to see you too,” he replied, laughing.  He held out a to-go coffee cup from my favorite coffee place downtown.  “Vanilla dirty chai with skim milk,” he said, leaning against the counter as I stood to take it. 

“How did you…” I racked my brain, trying to figure out how he would know my favorite coffee place or my go to drink. 

He just grinned.  Suddenly, Rachael stuck her head out of her office and said, “You’re welcome!” and then disappeared again.  I looked at Ryan curiously.

“Rachael was helpful,” he admitted, shrugging.  “Anyway, I can’t stay.  I have to stop at the office before I head to the airport, but I thought the least I could do is drop off some caffeine after I kept you out so late last night.”  He flashed me a brilliant smile and winked.  Why did he actually look sexy when he winked?  It wasn’t fair.

“I’ll walk you out,” I said.  I popped my head in Rachael’s office.  “Cover the phones for a sec, please?” I asked her.  She nodded and grinned at me. 

I walked out with Ryan and followed him to his car.  “Thank you,” I said, “You really didn’t have to.”

“I know,” he replied.  “I wanted to.” 

We said goodbye, and I stood in the parking lot for a minute after his SUV pulled away.  I was disappointed he was leaving, and that’s when I was realized that I was in deep.

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Chapter 49 (9/7/16)

Ryan was leaving for work again later that week, so we scheduled our date for the next day (Monday).  My dance classes were currently on a break between sessions anyway, so it worked out well.

I was nervous all day long on Monday.  Rachael noticed, and I filled her in at lunch.  “Why are you nervous about going on a date with a guy you’ve been banging for months?” she asked, confused. 

“Because this is not just banging, Rach,” I said.  “This is like…an actual date.  That could potentially precede an actual relationship.  And I am terrified.”

“At least you already know how big his dick is,” she said casually.  I almost spit out my mouthful of food.  “I mean, that accounts for at least 90% of my nervousness before a date.”

“You are a horrible person,” I informed her, laughing.  “This just feels like a big deal.”

She nodded.  “Are you excited, at least?  You can be both nervous and excited, you know.”

“I am,” I said.  “I think it will be weird to go on a date with a man I’ve been having sex with for months, but I am excited.”  The fact that I could finally admit that out loud was a relief.  I was still terrified, but I could finally see how awesome this could be. 

“And at least if you do something weird or awkward, which you probably will, he already knows you and knows to expect it!” she exclaimed, grinning.

“I don’t know why I’m friends with you,” I joked, shaking my head.  “Now I’m thinking about all the awkward things that could potentially happen, and it’s not good!”

“You’re pretty enough that it’s adorable when you’re awkward, not weird,” she said, trying to reassure me.  It made me laugh, so I guess it was effective. 

I was able to focus on work for the rest of the day, but as soon as I left the office to run home and get ready for my date, I felt like I was going to throw up.  I went all out, curling my hair and putting on some fun makeup.  I took extra time perfecting my eyeliner; it took me three tries on my left eye because my hands were shaking.

I ended up being ready about 10 minutes before Ryan was supposed to show up.  “Well now what am I supposed to do?” I muttered to myself.  I didn’t need to sit here and stew in my own anxiety.  I tried to read for a little while but ended up reading the same page over and over because I wasn’t processing any of it. 

Finally, 3 minutes before he was supposed to be here, my doorbell rang.  I had to stop myself from flinging the door open from nerves.  Instead, I put my hand on the knob, took a deep breath, and opened it carefully.  “Hi,” Ryan said, grinning at me.  “My god, you look beautiful.”  His eyes traveled the length of my body and returned quickly to my face.  “Wow.”

“Stop it,” I said, giggling nervously.  “I look exactly the same as I always have.”

“And you’ve always been beautiful,” he said, stepping inside and dropping his head to brush his lips against my cheek.  “These are for you,” he continued, holding a huge bouquet of flowers out to me, his eyes sparkling. 

“You didn’t,” I said, laughing.  The bouquet was gorgeous, full of late summer flowers and succulents in greens, reds, oranges, and golds. “Wow, these are amazing.”  I giggled again, silently cursing myself for being a nervous giggler.  I turned away from Ryan and took them into the kitchen, digging a vase out and filling it with water.  I almost dropped it and stopped to take a steadying breath.

“Here,” he said, gently taking the vase from me and setting it on the counter.  He reached for the flowers and I watched him as he deftly unwrapped them and arranged them in the vase.  “You okay?” he asked, turning back to me, his eyes searching my face.

“I’m really nervous,” I admitted.  “I’m not sure why.”

He smiled warmly and said.  “I am too, actually."

His admission helped me relax a little, and I truly looked at him for the first time since I opened the door.  “Oh,” I said.  “You look really good too.  I love dark blue on you.”  His not-quite-navy striped button down was just a shade darker than his eyes.  He’d asked me to dress casually, but I had no idea what we were doing.  I had settled on a pair of skinny jeans, booties, and a thin, fitted, slightly low cut sweater.  “Is this okay for what we’re doing?” I asked, gesturing at myself.

“It’s perfect.  Bring a jacket,” he replied.  I frowned.  It was starting to get chilly at night, but not really chilly enough to need a jacket.  “Trust me,” he said.  Shrugging, I reached into my small coat closet and pulled out a light jacket, holding it up for his approval.  “That should work,” he declared. 

“I’m so intrigued by your plans,” I said, hoping to get more information out of him.

“Well, you’ll have to be intrigued for awhile still,” he said, grinning.  “Dinner first, I’m starving.”

“That I can get on board with,” I agreed. 

I was still nervous as Ryan drove us to a casual but delicious restaurant down by the water.  He kept up a steady stream of chatter, which helped a little. When we got out of the car, he slid his arm around me and said, “Hey, knock off this nervous shit.  I know I’m really, really ridiculously good looking, but deep down I’m just a normal, nice guy.”  I looked up at him and he was smirking at me, and I just shook my head and laughed. 

“You are…something,” I replied, snuggling into his side as we walked towards the door. 

“I think that might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!” he teased me. 

I laughed.  “Actually, that might be true,” I agreed. 

I relaxed over the course of dinner.  We ate outside on the restaurant’s patio, which had a great view of the harbor.  We easily fell into our familiar pattern of teasing each other and joking, and by the end of dinner, all my anxiety about this date was gone. 

After dinner, he drove us down to one of the docks at the harbor.  “What are we doing?” I asked, confused. 

“Taking a ride,” he replied.  He grabbed my jacket out of the backseat where I’d tossed it and we got out.  He led me down the dock and we stopped in front of one of the slips.

“I didn’t know you had a boat,” I said, still sort of confused.

He smirked at me and said, “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me yet.”

“Oh really?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow at him.

He grinned and said, “Well, probably.  But actually, this is my uncle’s boat.  He lets me take it out sometimes.  When I told him I had a beautiful woman to impress, he handed the keys right over.” 

“Of course he did,” I said with a laugh. 

Ryan helped me into the boat and I watched him as fiddled with ropes and things, getting it read.  “It’s nothing fancy, but it gets the job done,” he said as he worked.  “Here, can you hold this?” He handed me a piece of rope, which I held until he took it away from me 30 seconds later.  “Thanks.” 

I enjoyed watching him work.  His movements were quick and sure.  Eventually we were off, and I understood why he wanted me to bring a jacket.  I quickly pulled it on and zipped it up.  Ryan guided the boat easily around, pointing out landmarks from a vantage point that I hadn’t ever had, even in my 12 years of living here. 

Eventually, he cut the engine and the boat stilled, rocking gently with the slight motion of the lake on this still evening.  He moved to sit next to me and I immediately nestled against him.  “Cold?” he asked softly.  I nodded.  I should have brought a warmer jacket.  It was definitely chilly on the water.  He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me firmly against his chest, and I fully relaxed for the first time since I had woken up that morning. 

We didn’t stay out on the water much longer, and I was surprisingly disappointed when Ryan guided the boat back into its slip.  We were both quiet on the drive back to my house, but it was a content, comfortable silence.  Halfway there, Ryan reached over the center console and wrapped his hand around mine.  I fought a strange, fleeting urge to pull away before I relaxed again.  It had been a very long time since I’d held someone’s hand.  If Ryan noticed, he didn’t say anything. 

He parked his SUV in my driveway and we both got out.  He walked me up to the door and I stopped there, turning and leaning against it.  I grinned at him.  “Is this the part where you stand here too long, awkwardly trying to decide if it’s okay to kiss me?” I asked.

“I think so,” he replied, smirking back at me. 

I laughed.  “I had fun, Ryan.  Thank you.”

“I have no idea if that’s sincere or part of the script,” he replied, cocking an eyebrow.

I smacked his arm lightly.  “I meant it, you idiot!” I said indignantly. 

“Oh, okay,” he replied, still smiling.  Impulsively, he leaned forward and I turned my head, so his lips landed on my cheek.  We both cracked up.  It wasn’t that funny, but we couldn’t stop laughing.  When we finally got it together, Ryan wiped a tear off his cheek and said, “Thank you for making this date just as awkward as any first date should be.” 

“It was my pleasure,” I said, grinning at him

Ryan leaned down to kiss me again, and this time I turned my face up towards his.  Our lips met and he slid his hand up my arm, over my shoulder, and brought it to rest against my jaw.  We kissed for several seconds, and though we’d kissed many times before, this one felt different. 

When our lips parted, I leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around me.  We stood there silently for well over a minute, until Ryan finally kissed the top of my head and softly asked, “So, do I get the honor of taking you out again?”

“I think you’ve earned it,” I said, leaning back so I could look up at him. 

“Yeah?” he asked, smiling.  “Congratulations to me.”

I giggled and leaned back against him, letting him run his hands up and down my back for several more seconds. “I leave on Thursday,” he told me.  “Can I see you Wednesday?”

“Wednesday works for me,” I replied. 

I thought about inviting him in, then decided against it.  He seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because he said, “Okay, I’m going to get going then.”  I nodded, taking a step back.  He waited while I unlocked my door and got the light on inside.  “Goodnight, Jenna,” he said, one side of his mouth twitching up in an adorable half smile.

“Goodnight,” I said softly.  He kissed me twice more: briefly on the lips, then on the forehead, and then he stepped back, watching until I shut and locked the door behind me.

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Chapter 48 (9/5/16)

When I woke up, Ryan was sitting on the edge of the bed, stretching.  “Hey,” he said softly, noticing I was awake. 

“Hey,” I replied, looking down.  I realized that I probably looked like a wreck from crying and I tried in vain to at least smooth my hair down.

“You’re beautiful,” he told me. 

I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know what to say.  Finally, I met his eyes again.  “Now what?” I asked meekly.

He smiled slightly, the corners of his mouth just barely turning up.  It was a sad smile.  “That’s up to you,” he said.  “Jenna, I want to be with you. But I understand where you’re coming from and I won’t push you.  The ball is fully in your court.”

“Haven’t you learned that I don’t make the best decisions?” I asked.  It was an attempt at a joke, but it fell hollow and was too true to be funny.

“I think you make whatever decisions are best for you at the time,” he said quietly.

I looked down, picking at some imaginary lint on the bed.  I was silent, but my thoughts were racing.  If I could just get him out of here, I could try to forget him.  But his presence made me think about what could be.  As soon as I thought about being happy with him, visions of catching him cheating pushed themselves into my head.  I covered my face with my hands and forced the negative thoughts away. 

Ryan’s weight moved the mattress as he got back in bed with me.  I couldn’t help myself; I rolled onto my side and fit my body against his.  He wrapped one arm around me and stroked my hair with his other hand, occasionally shifting it to brush along my cheek and jaw and down my neck.  I relaxed under his touch and melted against him, realizing that I could have this whenever I wanted.  

“Ryan?” I asked softly, my voice cracking.  I cleared my throat and tried again.  “So, if we did this…”

He waited for me to continue, but I stopped.  “Jenna?” he prompted.

“I don’t know how well I’d deal with you being gone a lot,” I finished.  “I think that would be hard for me.” 

“I don’t know how I’d handle it either,” he admitted.  “But I don’t have to do this much traveling forever.  If we decide to go for this, and it works out, down the road I can always ask to be moved to doing something where I spend most of my time local.”

“But that’s your career,” I said.  “You love what you do.”

“I do,” he agreed, “but it’s never been my plan to travel forever.  I just haven’t yet had a reason to stop traveling.”

“Oh,” I said dumbly. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do something where I don’t travel at all, unless I leave my current company.  I don’t want to do that.  So there will probably always be some travel, but it won’t always been so frequent.  Right now I’m spending more time traveling than not, and eventually it could be more like a week or two every couple months or so.”

I shifted against him, listening to his heart beat.  It seemed faster than usual.  Was he just as nervous as I was right now?  We lay silently for several minutes as I processed what he just said, and then I said, “Okay, I don’t mean this to be mean, but what…what if it doesn’t work?  What if we jump into this and it doesn’t work and it’s terrible?” 

“Will you sit up and look at me for a second?” he asked gently.  “Please.”  I did, pulling the blankets tightly across my lap as if they could protect me from myself.  “We don’t have to jump into anything,” he said.  “And like I said last night, we can go at your pace.  If that means you’re hanging out with just your toes in the water for a while, that’s fine.  If you want to take the steps into the pool instead of jumping in, that’s what we’ll do.  And then if it doesn’t work, we’ll know and be done and at least we won’t have to wonder.”

“Your metaphors are terrible,” I grumbled. 

“No they’re not,” he retorted with a smirk.  “Don’t deny it, you love them.” 

I laughed softly.  “Okay, I kind of do.”  Ryan spontaneously reached out and brushed his fingers across my cheek, then pushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear.  The gesture was so tender and unprompted that I almost lost it. My skin felt warm where his fingers had been, however brief.  “So, if I wanted to dip my toes in the pool, what would that look like?” I asked tentatively.

“Well, I’m open for discussion, but in my mind, that would look like letting me take you out on a date.  A real date.”

Now I smirked.  “As opposed to the fake dates we’re been having?” I asked.

“Exactly,” he replied, chuckling.  “I’m talking I pick you up, bring you flowers, take you to dinner, the whole cliché 9 yards.  And then at the end of the date I walk you to the door and stand there awkwardly for entirely too long trying to decide if it’s okay to kiss you, and then I do and you turn your head and I kiss the side of your face instead.”

I laughed.  “Flowers?  Who even does that anymore?  Too late though, I expect all those things.”

“Are you accepting my request for a date, then?” he asked.  His tone was light but he was looking at me seriously.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, looking away from the intensity of his gaze for a second.  “Yeah, I guess I am.”

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Chapter 47 (9/3/16)

Whew, the last post caused some big feelings!  I just wanted to reassure you that I take no offense to your annoyance with (or dislike of!) Jenna.  I appreciate everyone's comments and I welcome discussion, but I would love it if everyone continued to try to be kind to each other!  

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I slept like a rock that night, surprisingly enough.  When I woke up, thoughts of the night before flooded my brain.  Instead of being angry, now I was just sad.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how the conversation had gone while I made myself breakfast, unpacked, and started laundry.  I’d gone over with good intentions, I truly had.  I was going to let him know that I couldn’t keep seeing him.  My plan had been to tell him gently, being straightforward and honest, but kind.  Surely it was better than just never calling him again, right? 

Except it hadn’t gone that way.  It had been so much harder than I thought, and when Ryan pointed out that putting my reasons for not wanting to date him on him was not fair, I got defensive and angry.  But now, 12 hours later, I could see he was right.  I was still upset for what he said about Kevin, but we probably never would have gotten there if I hadn’t been such a bitch to him for simply pointing out that my statement wasn’t fair. 

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked Erica and Kelly at dinner that night.  We’d planned this before I left, and even though I didn’t feel like being social, I knew I needed to see them. 

“Nothing,” they both answered simultaneously.  When I rolled my eyes, Erica said, “You’re trying to protect yourself but you’re not being smart about it, that’s all.  I think you should apologize to him, though.”

“Yeah, probably,” I agreed reluctantly.  I wasn’t reluctant about the thought of apologizing, because I knew I should.  But I was reluctant about starting another conversation.  I just wanted some space so I could get him out of my head. 

We spent the rest of dinner talking about the trip to Belize that Erica and John were planning.  It was nice to just talk about someone else and something normal and I was glad to forget about Ryan for awhile. 

As soon as I got home, I sat on the couch with my phone in my hand.  I knew if I didn’t call him now, I never would.  I hit the little phone icon next to his and lifted the phone to my ear, tapping my foot nervously.

I was relieved when he didn’t answer.  I left an awkward, hurried, stumbling message.  “Hi, it’s me.  Um, Jenna, I mean.  Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for last night.  For getting so defensive, I mean, and well, being a bitch to you.  So I’m sorry for that.  Okay, well, you don’t have to call me back.  I just wanted to say sorry.  And I did, so, um, I’m going to go.  Okay.  Bye.”  I hung up the phone and shook my head.  I’d sounded like an idiot, but at least I’d said I was sorry, and that was the important thing. 

I decided to go for a run, and I didn’t take my phone with me.  Music didn’t seem appealing at the moment.  When I got back, I headed straight upstairs to shower.  I came back down and glanced at my phone, seeing a missed call.

It was Ryan, of course.  I listened to his voicemail.  His was way smoother than mine.  “Hi Jenna.  I’m glad you called, and I accept your apology.  I also wanted to apologize, but I was going to give you some space.  I wasn’t sure if contacting you would just upset you more.  Anyway, I’m sorry for what I said about you and Kevin.  I was surprised and angry and I lashed out at you.  It sounds like we can agree that we both screwed up last night, and I’d really like to have a conversation with you about this.  Please call me.  If you want to, I mean.”  Then it went silent. 

I debated calling him back to hear what he had to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Instead, I busied myself cleaning my already clean house.  After that, I sat down to binge watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. 

            I was just thinking about heading to bed when someone knocked on my door, startling me.  I peered uneasily through a slit in the curtain, squinting to try to see out into the darkness.  I was surprised when I realized that Ryan was at my front door.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, pulling the door open.

“I miss you,” he said softly, his eyes begging me to hear him.  “Besides last night, I haven’t seen you in almost a month.”  He didn’t budge, and as much as I wanted to just shut the door and go to bed and not deal with this, I couldn’t.  I turned away from him.  I couldn’t shut the door, but that didn’t mean I had to stand here and look at those gorgeous, pleading eyes. 

“You miss my vagina,” I said quietly, starting to walk away.  I couldn’t reconcile the Ryan that was standing just inside my front door with the cocky Ryan who had casually told me that he just didn’t think about the woman he was dating while he was working.

He caught my wrist gently with two fingers, being careful not to grab it hard.  “No,” he said, his voice firm now.  “I miss you.”

I turned back towards him, my eyes searching his face for even a hint of bullshit.  “You don’t miss people, Ryan.  You told me that yourself.”  I wasn’t trying to be combative, I just didn’t understand where any of this was coming from.

“I know, that’s why this is so hard.  I’ve never had to deal with feeling like this before.”  His eyes were still pleading with me, and I had to look away again.  When I looked back, I was fighting tears.

“We can’t,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.  “I can’t.”

“I’m not in a hurry,” Ryan said, taking a tentative step toward me.  When I backed up, the hurt was clear on his face.  “We’d go at your pace, Jenna.  This is new for me too.”

 “This isn’t new for me,” I protested.  “That’s the problem.” 

“Being with me would be new,” he pointed out.  “I’m not him, Jenna.  Let me prove it.”

I couldn’t stop the tears now.  “You shouldn’t have to prove it.  You should be with someone who believes it!”

He laughed and shook his head.  I scrubbed at my face furiously with my hands, and I was relieved when he didn’t attempt to approach me again.  “All a new relationship is is people proving themselves over and over until they get bored with it and settle into some crappy routine,” he told me.  “The difference is that I’ll never stop proving myself.”

I wanted to believe him.  I wanted to let go and crumble against him and let myself feel the way he felt, but I couldn’t.  “I’ve been kind of awful to you,” I said, confused.  “Why are you here after the way I’ve acted?”

“Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess,” he replied, smiling slightly.  “I don’t know, to be honest.  Because I think it’s worth it.  I think you’re worth it.  You’ve probably only been awful out of self-preservation, because you’re scared.  You’ve never been awful before.”

My front door was still open, and I pushed it closed, accidentally pushing much harder than I needed to.  I jumped when it connected with the frame with a loud bang.  Ryan looked surprised, but didn’t move.  “I need to sleep,” I whispered.  I didn’t kick him out.  I left it up to him if he was staying or going.  It was the only thing I could do.  I couldn’t bring myself to kick him out, and I couldn’t manage to invite him to stay; selfishly, I took that decision out of my hands and thrust it on him.  Giving him one last look, I turned and walked upstairs to my room.

I brushed my teeth and got into bed, curling into a ball under my blanket.  I couldn’t seem to stop the tears that started rolling relentlessly down my face. I was just trying to convince myself that Ryan had left because that’s what I had wanted when I heard a light knock on my door. 

The door creaked open and Ryan walked into my room.  I heard the door shut softly behind him and the sound of his footsteps continued over to my bed.  I had my back to the door and I didn’t move, listening to hear what he’d do.  I felt his weight on the bed, and then he curled his body around mine, but on top of the blanket.  When he wrapped his arm around me, I pulled mine out from under the blanket and wove my fingers in with his.  It was a small gesture, but I hoped it conveyed that I was glad he’d stayed.  I could feel his warm breath on my neck and he made no move to do anything but lay there with me.  Eventually, I drifted to sleep.

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Chapter 46 (9/1/16)

Ryan was in town, and agreed to let me come over.  I didn’t bother changing out of the leggings I wore on the plane, or putting on any makeup.  I didn’t need to look good for this.  I was incredibly anxious on my drive over but I kept thinking about what Jamie had told me. 

The door opened before I even turned my car off.  Ryan let me in, wearing only a pair of basketball shorts.  “Will you put a shirt on, please?” I asked.  I didn’t want to be distracted by his bare torso.  As it was, I could barely keep my eyes on his face.  He looked confused but walked over to the couch and picked up a shirt and pulled it over his head.  It looked like he had been in the middle of folding laundry.  I stared at the pile of laundry as I waited for him.

“Do you want to come sit?” he asked me.  I nodded and stepped into the living room.  Ryan sat down on the couch and I sat in the armchair in the corner.  “This doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a positive conversation,” Ryan said lightly.

“It depends on how you look at it,” I replied weakly.  I cleared my throat and swallowed hard and then said, “Look, this was really fun.  Too fun, because this ended up going places I wasn’t really ready for it to go.”  I paused and took a deep breath and said, “I’m not able to the no-strings thing anymore, Ryan.” 

Ryan didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever.  Then, tentatively, he said, “Okay, well, what if there were strings?”

I started to narrow my eyes and heard Jamie’s voice echoing in my head, telling me to be nice.  “What do you mean?” I asked, even though I was sure I already knew what he meant.

Instead of answering, he asked, “Are you seeing or sleeping with anyone else?”

“Not at this point, no,” I replied. 

“Neither am I,” he said.  “So what if we did that thing where people agree that they’re not going to see or sleep with other people?  And maybe you could let me take you on a real date.” 

He wasn’t even done talking when I started shaking my head.  “No,” I said, practically interrupting him.  “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” he asked gently.

“Ryan, I can’t do this,” I told him.  “I’m sorry.  I’m just not ready.” 

Ryan frowned slightly, his forehead wrinkling.  “What are you worried about?” he asked.  It was an innocent question; he was trying to understand where I was coming from, but it made me angry.  I didn’t want to have to explain myself, and I shouldn’t have to explain myself. 

“I’m not worried about anything,” I said, fighting to keep my frustration out of my voice.  Jamie was right, I could be mean sometimes and Ryan didn’t deserve it.  “I mean, I’m worried about a lot of things, but nothing specific to you. I’m not ready to put myself back in a position where I could get hurt again.  And it’s not fair to you.”

He smiled sadly.  “I get that, but it’s not for you to decide what’s fair to me.  If you’re not ready, I respect that.  But own it, don’t act like you’re being noble and protecting me.” 

I stared at him.  “Being noble?  Protecting you?  Are you kidding me?”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Jenna,” he replied, which served no purpose but to anger me further. 

“Then why would you say something like that?”

Ryan was now getting frustrated.  “Because I’m not interested in you pretending like you’re doing this for my benefit.  Your decision, which I am trying really hard to respect even though it sucks for me, has nothing to do with being fair to me, and everything to do with protecting yourself from all the potential ways you think I could break your heart.  And I understand why you’re scared, I really do.  I’ve got shitty relationships in my past too.  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck for you to put me on the same level as him.”

At this point my mouth was hanging open.  “Put you on the same level as him?  I absolutely have not!” I exclaimed.  “If I thought you were on the same level as him, I never would have slept with you, and we certainly wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

“You slept with him though,” Ryan said, pushing the dagger in all the way.  “Hell, you married him.”

Angry tears sprung to my eyes before he even finished his sentence.  “You motherfucker,” I muttered.  “I thought I fought dirty.”  I stood up and moved towards the door, determined to get out of his house before my tears spilled over. 

“Jenna,” Ryan said, and I heard him get up to follow me.  “Fuck, I’m sorry.  That was shitty, just wait a second.”

“No!” I said, not even turning around.  “You don’t get to say something like that to me and then make me ‘wait a second.’  And don’t you even fucking try to stop me from leaving this house, Ryan!”  I was glad I hadn’t taken off my shoes and could go straight out the door.

“Jenna, please,” Ryan said.  “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” I shot back, finally turning around and looking at him.  “I’m sorry I came here.”  I yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it closed behind me.  I practically ran to my car, got in, turned it on, put it in reverse and floored it out of Ryan’s driveway. 

I made it 3 blocks before I had to pull over.  I dropped my forehead onto the steering wheel and sobbed, twisting my shirt in my hands as I cried.  I was so angry and hurt.  I was shocked that something like that would even come out of his mouth.  It was such a manipulative and cold thing to say, which wasn’t at all like him.  I think the shock was worse than the hurt. 

I got myself together and drove the rest of the way home.  Once I got there I got straight in bed, and exhausted from a day of traveling and crying, I fell asleep right away.

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