I've failed already!

I knew I shouldn't have committed to a schedule.  I'm having technical difficulties and editing difficulties and now I'm just mad.  SO I will have a post for you tomorrow!  Sorry all!

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Chapter 34 (7/22/16)

Guys!  I have no idea what happened.  I thought I posted this yesterday.  I came to check just now because I thought it was odd to not have gotten any comments...and there it was, hanging out in my drafts.  So strange.  I'm sorry!  Here it is!  (Also, after this, I'll be going to a Monday/Thursday schedule.)

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When Friday rolled around, I was surprised to get a text from Jesse saying we were on for Saturday if I was still free.  I was, so we made some plans, because why not? 

After work, I hurried got ready for the evening.  I was going out to dinner and to get some drinks with Grace, Sam, Emma, and Rayne.  I wasn’t nervous this time, just relieved that Charlie wouldn’t be there.  Grace was (once again) picking me up, even though I’d offered to drive this time.  I wasn’t complaining! 

When we got to the restaurant, Rayne was waiting outside.  She hadn’t been at Emma and Charlie’s cookout, and she squealed when she saw me. “Hi!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around me.  “I’m sorry, we’re idiots, I missed you, I’m so glad you’re here!”  Rayne was tirelessly optimistic, energetic, and did everything quickly and loudly. 

“Hi, Rayne,” I said, giggling at her enthusiastic greeting.  “It’s good to see you.”

She wrapped her arm around mine as we walked in.  “Tell me everything you’ve been up to.  Don’t leave anything out!”  I caught Grace’s eye and she tried not to laugh.  I started to catch Rayne up on the highlights and she listened intently, interrupting every so often with an excited interjection. 

Tonight--unlike at the cookout--I immediately felt like I was part of the conversation with everyone else.  They caught me up on their lives and we all ate too much and far too slowly because we were busy catching up and laughing.  It felt good to be back to hanging out with them, and I was relieved that it felt so normal. 

As we were waiting for the bill, Rayne looked at me, serious for once.  “How are you doing?” she asked, looking at me intently.

“Like, right now?” I asked confused.

“No,” she said, shaking her head.  “I mean…how are you?  With the divorce and everything?  Are you happy?  Are you okay?”

“Way to make it weird, Rayne,” Emma said, rolling her eyes.

“It’s fine,” I replied.  “I am now.  I wasn’t either for long time, but now I’m both, and I’m actually better than I was.”  Rayne seemed satisfied with that, and she flashed me a smile before changing the subject to something a little lighter. 

No one mentioned my divorce or my well-being for the rest of the evening, and I was glad. We moved from the restaurant to a nearby bar and had a few drinks.  It was nearing midnight when my phone screen lit up with a call from Ryan.  I declined the call and texted him, “I’m out.  It’s loud.  What’s up?”  He responded immediately with, “Ah, I was just wondering what you were up to, but you’ve answered my question.  Have fun!”  I set my phone aside just in time to hear Sam saying that she should probably get going soon.  Emma chimed in with agreement.  I picked my phone back up and texted Ryan, “Actually, it sounds like the night is dying down. I could meet you at my place.  I’m at the mercy of my sober friend though.”  After a short wait, I got his response.  “I can pick you up if you want.  How drunk are you?”  I laughed and responded, “I’m not sure what kind of answer you’re hoping for, but just a little buzzed. Sober enough to make good decisions.”  “That’s exactly what I was hoping for, I’m not into banging drunk women,” he replied.  A second later, another text popped up: “When and where should I pick you up? 

We made arrangements and I quietly told Grace I didn’t need a ride home.  I hadn’t told everyone else about Ryan and I wasn’t really interested in doing so.  We all closed our tabs, and Grace and I said goodbye to Rayne, Sam, and Emma.  She insisted on waiting with me until Ryan got there.  She and I were standing there chatting when all of a sudden we heard a male voice say loudly, “A nice ass on the one and legs for days on the other, how did we get so lucky?”  Grace and I spun around, and I was prepared to tell off whoever it was.  Instead, I was surprised to see Kevin and a guy I didn’t know.  He was clearly surprised to see me.  The idiot with him said, “And a great set of—“

“That’s my ex-wife and my buddy’s wife, you asshole, shut up!” Kevin hissed at him. 

I wrinkled my nose.  “Classy friend you have there,” I said to Kevin, crossing my arms and glaring at him.

“I’m really sorry,” Kevin apologized.  “He’s really drunk, and a really big idiot.”

“I am not either,” the guy said.  

Grace looked annoyed, but stayed quiet.  I turned my icy glare back to Kevin's friend and said, “I hope someone punches you in the face someday for talking to them like that.  Catcalling and harassing women in public isn’t appropriate and it’s actually incredibly degrading and threatening.  You want women to stop talking about not feeling safe or respected around men?  Then stop doing dumb shit to make them feel unsafe and disrespected.  It’s disgusting and it’s not going to get you dates or even a one night stand.”

A Mercedes SUV pulled into the passenger loading zone and the driver got out.  I was too busy telling off Kevin’s classless friend that I didn’t even notice that the driver was Ryan until he stepped up on the curb and asked, “Everything okay, Jenna?”

My head snapped his way and I nodded.  “Yes, but can you give my friend a ride to her car?” I asked, throwing one more angry glare at Kevin’s friend. 

“Of course,” Ryan said.  He pulled open both passenger side doors and motioned us over. 

            “See you later, Kevin,” Grace said as we walked over.  I said nothing. 

Ryan offered me a hand to step up into the large SUV and I gave him a weird look.  When he shut the door and got back in the driver’s seat, he glanced in the rearview mirror at Grace and flashed her a killer smile.  “I’m Ryan,” he said, pulling his eyes away from the mirror to check his blind spot and merge out onto the road. 

“Grace,” she replied.  “Thanks for the ride.” She directed him to where her car was parked two blocks away.  I jumped out and hugged her before she left, and she whispered to me, “He is gorgeous, have fun!”  I grinned at her and got back in the SUV.

I looked at Ryan as I pulled my seatbelt on.  “I didn’t know you were so fancy,” I said pointedly.  “I guess I never even saw your car when you came to my house.”

He chuckled.  “I’m not fancy at all, actually.  It’s a company car, and I sort of hate it.  When I’m in town I do a lot of schmoozing of clients, so I get a fancy company car to keep up appearances.  Apparently clients care what kind of car their project manager drives.”

“Who knew?” I asked rhetorically.

“What was happening when I picked you up?” Ryan asked curiously. 

I sighed.  “Grace and I were waiting for you and one of those guys made some obscene comments to us.  When we turned, I realized he was with my ex-husband.  So I was giving him a piece of my mind.”

“Your ex-husband, or the guy that made the comments?”

“The guy that made the comments.  Saying things like that to women you don’t know is disgusting and degrading.  But I guess I’m not surprised, for a guy that was hanging out with Kevin.”

“Noted,” he said, glancing at me.  “Would you like to tell me more?”

I glared at him.  “Don’t mock me,” I snapped. 

“I’m not!” he said, holding up one hand in surrender.  “I swear!  I was just giving you an opportunity to vent off more of your frustration.”

“I’ll take out my frustration on you in other ways, as soon as you get us to my house,” I informed him. 

He grinned.  “Well, that’s even better!”  He paused for a second, then asked, "So which one was your ex-husband?"

"The blonde one."

"Nice looking guy," Ryan said.  

I gave him a weird look. "Could you not?" He shrugged but didn't say anything more.

Ryan parked in my driveway and waited patiently while I unlocked my door and let us inside.  I’d barely even gotten the lights on and the door shut and locked when he said, “So, tell me more about how pissed you are.”

“I’m going to make you really sorry you asked that,” I said, backing him up against the door.

He smirked, grabbed me by the upper arms, and easily spun us around so he had me against the door.  “Are you?” he asked, slowly sliding his hands down to my wrists.  “I’m not feeling sorry yet.”  I playfully tried to pull my hands away from him but he tightened his grip, pulled them from my sides, and pinned them above my head.  I grinned at him wickedly and he took that as his cue, kissing me hard and pressing his body against mine.  “It’s a good thing you wore this nice short dress,” he murmured in my ear, taking a break from kissing me to suck on my earlobe and nip at my neck.  He let go of my wrists to slip his hands under my dress, find my thong, and drag it down my legs until it fell to the floor on its own.  I stepped out of it and he kicked it away down the hallway. 

“Are you going to stop talking and start fucking me, or are we going to stand here all night and chit chat?” I asked him, biting back my smirk. 

He grinned at me for a split second before spinning me to face the door and pressing his hips against my ass.  I ground my hips into his, feeling him against me. “No patience tonight, huh?” he asked, pulling my hair to one side.  He deliberately dragged his fingers across my neck while doing it, making me shiver.  Then he lowered his mouth to the back of my neck, moving his lips across the same path his fingers had just taken.  At the other side of my neck, he nipped hard at my exposed skin, surprising me.  I yelped, then groaned as he slid his other hand back up my dress and worked two fingers into me. 

We had sex right there against the door, with one of my legs held tightly bent up against the door and his other hand gripping the back of my neck.  I was a little worried one of the neighbors would call the cops because I was not even close to quiet. When we were finished, we managed to stumble to the couch.  Ryan stretched across the couch and put his head in my lap, and I reclined the section of couch I was on.  “Still pissed off?” Ryan asked from my lap.  He stroked my bare calf lightly.

“Not even a little bit,” I said sleepily. 

“Then my job here is done,” he replied.  He continued to run his fingers up and down my leg and the repetitive sensation was making me sleepier by the second. 

“When do you leave again?” I asked him, yawning.

“Umm,” he said, thinking for second.  “Monday, I think.  I’ll be gone until the next Wednesday, and then I guess I have a full month off from traveling.  You know what that means, right?  That means you can get a piece of this whenever you want for an entire month.”

“So basically I should start coming up with excuses now?” I asked, teasing him.  “Damn, I think I feel a month long headache coming on.”

“I hear orgasms are good for headaches,” he replied, sitting up and stretching.  We were both fully clothed.  He’d simply pushed my dress out of the way and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. I yawned again and closed my eyes.  “You need sleep,” he said, standing.

“Don’t tell me what I need,” I said, but I was too tired to put any sass to it.  I had to stop going out on Fridays.

He laughed.  “Don’t get up.  I’ll see myself out.”

“No,” I groaned, struggling to push the footrest of the reclining couch to the floor so I could sit up.  Ryan lifted his foot and put it between mine, easily shoving the footrest down and back into the couch.  “Thanks.  I need to get up so I can go up to bed.” 

I walked with him to the door and when we got there, he leaned against the doorframe.  “Hey, so I know you’re tired, but I just want to check to make sure we’re both still good and on the same page with this.”

I made a face.  “Why, did I do something to make you think otherwise?”

He shook his head and smiled.  “No, I just think it’s good to check in with that every once in awhile.”  His smile turned to a smirk.  “You know how women get, suddenly finding feelings where there weren’t any before and then getting mad when they’re not reciprocated.  It ruins everything.”

“You’re far too much of a dick to ever have to worry about any of that,” I told him, rolling my eyes.  “We’re definitely still on the same page.”

“Good,” he replied.  He leaned down and kissed my forehead gently; it was surprisingly tender and even more surprisingly not weird at all.  “I’m sure I’ll see you when I get back from my next trip.”

“If you’re lucky,” I retorted  Ryan shook his head and turned to leave.  I smacked his ass and said, “Good game, champ!” 

He burst into laughter but chose not to respond, instead just walking out the door.  I locked it behind him and headed to bed.

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Chapter 33 (7/20/16)

I've got one more coming for this week, probably on Friday!  After that, I think I'm finally ready to settle into a regular schedule.  As of right now I'm going to do Mondays and Thursdays (likely with the occasional bonus, because you all know I can't resist!), so you finally know when to expect my posts!

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I enjoyed brunch with Grace on Sunday.  While the cookout had been a little awkward, when I was with just Grace it felt like we hadn’t missed a beat.  When she asked if I was dating anyone, I gave her the same non-answer I had given Nate.  She, however, didn’t buy it as easily.  She cocked an eyebrow and said, “’Dating a little’? ‘Nothing serious?’  Who’s the lucky guy you’re sleeping with?”

I burst into laughter.  “How’d you know?” I asked.  She just cocked an eyebrow.  “Okay, I met him through a coworker and he’s gorgeous.  And talented.”  I smirked when I said that, and Grace blushed a little, which made me chuckle.

“Why are you just sleeping with him and not dating him, then?” she asked.

I told her about his job and his stance on relationships.  Then I shrugged and said, “And to be honest, I’m really enjoying it so far.  It’s nice to be able to have sex and then not have to deal with sharing my bed while I sleep or arguing about where to eat dinner or who left their dirty socks on the floor instead of the hamper.  I don’t miss being in a relationship at all.”

Grace laughed.  “I can see the appeal,” she admitted.  “I think I’d miss being in a relationship though.  Don’t you ever miss coming home to someone that cares about you and wants to hear about your day?  Or not always having to be the one who figures out what’s for dinner?”

I snorted.  “Grace, come on.  85% of the time, Kevin wasn’t home when I was home.  When he was, he was tired or stressed or sleeping and gave no fucks about my day.  And if you think that he did anything related to dinner besides paying for the ingredients and eating it, you are straight up delusional.”

She frowned.  “It was that bad, huh?”

“And then some,” I said quietly.  I had every intention of not bashing him around Grace or anyone else that still talked to him, but it had come out before I could stop it.  “I’ve never really had those things to be able to miss them now,” I finished, shrugging. 

Grace looked unbelievably sad then, and I started to change the subject, but she held up a hand.  “I just…I don’t get it, Jenna.  You guys seemed like the perfect couple.  I’m not saying I don’t believe you, because I do.  I just wish I would have known how unhappy you are.  I feel bad for being so oblivious.”

“Grace, I didn’t come here to talk shit about Kevin or reminisce about our terrible relationship.  And honestly, I feel weird even talking about him with you.  So if we could just pretend he didn’t exist, that would be perfect.”

“Okay, fair enough!” she said cheerfully.  “No more He Who Must Not Be Named,” she said.

I laughed.  “I don't think he's quite as bad as Voldemort, but I'll take it.” 

We easily fell into other topics and put the awkward moment behind us to enjoy the rest of brunch.  When we left, we hugged, and Grace promised to try to get all the girls together to go out for a drink or something on Friday. 

Ryan called me midafternoon on Tuesday.  I ignored the call and sent him a text. “I’m working, can you break your no texting rule just this once?”  He texted back immediately, “It’s a preference, not a rule.” I rolled my eyes and was about to ask him if he just called to argue with me when I got another text from him.  “Anyway, your favorite person is back in Minnesota.  Come see me tonight? 6? 7?”  “Did you just get back?” I asked.  “Yeah, all sorts of jet lagged.  Going to take a nap and find something to eat and hopefully have sex later…you in, or should I find someone else?” “You are such a dick,” I responded.  “I’ll cook for you,” his next text said.  “I’ll see you at 6:30 then,” I answered immediately.  “I knew you only wanted me for my skills in the kitchen.  See you later.” I elected not to reply to that text because my work phone started ringing. 

He called me again around 5 as I was walking out of work.  I pulled my phone out of my bag and answered it, greeting him cheerfully.  "Do you like steak?" he asked me, after we'd exchanged greetings.

“You don’t have to cook for me,” I told him.  “You just got back.  I can pick something up, if you want.”

“I’d be cooking for myself either way, so you might as well benefit.  Just tell me if you like steak, get yourself over here at 6:30 like you said, and enjoy your dinner.”

“Well, I love steak so I won’t argue with you,” I said, shrugging even though he couldn’t see me.

“Good,” he said cheerfully.  “I’ll see you in a little while then.”

I went home, showered quickly, and changed into sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt.  It was an unseasonably cool evening and I knew it would be even cooler by the time I left Ryan’s house.  I briefly considered that perhaps I shouldn’t go to the house of someone that I was planning to sleep with looking like I just rolled out of bed, but then I decided that my clothes wouldn’t be on long enough to matter.

I saw I had a text from Ryan telling me that the door would be unlocked and to just come in when I got there.  I immediately texted back, “I thought you hated texting.”  I laughed when my phone started ringing shortly after.

“I hate texting as a means of conversation,” Ryan informed me when I answered.  “But it’s perfect for giving small pieces of information that don’t require conversation.”

“Well, thank you for clearing that up,” I replied, chuckling.  “I’ll keep it in mind.  And I’ll just come in when I get there.  I’m leaving now, so I’ll be there shortly.”

“Sounds good, see you in a bit.”  We said goodbye and hung up and I threw my phone in my purse and left. 

I felt weird just walking into Ryan’s house, but he’d told me, so I tentatively opened the front door and stepped inside.  “I’m in the kitchen,” he called when he heard the door open.  “Keep your shoes on, we’re eating outside.”

“You’re so bossy,” I said, walking into the kitchen.  He immediately handed me a glass of red wine, and I quickly said, “And so wonderful.  Can I help?  I really do feel bad that you just got back and you’re cooking for me”

He surveyed his surroundings and shook his head.  “No, I’ve got this.  Cooking is relaxing for me, and like I said, I’d be doing it with or without you, so at least now I’ve got some company and I’ll get to have sex when we’re done eating.”  He flashed me that perfect grin of his and I rolled my eyes.

I suddenly realized that he was wearing dress pants and a nice dress shirt with the top two buttons undone.  “What’s with the fancy clothes?” I asked.  “You’re making my sweatpants look bad.”

“You’re making your sweatpants look great,” he replied, winking at me.  Yes, he actually winked.  And damn if he didn’t look good doing it.  “I had to run into work for a little bit this afternoon and I was just too lazy to change when I got home.”  I was glad he was too lazy to change, because he looked damn good in his work clothes.  I imagined a tie and a jacket to complete the ensemble and had drifted off into my own personal fantasy world when he asked me to open the door to the deck for him.  “Something on your mind? You seem distracted,” he said as I followed him out to the deck.

I grinned and cocked and eyebrow at him.  “No, I was thinking about you in a suit, to be honest. And I was enjoying the picture in my head.”

Ryan laughed and said, “If that’s what turns you on, I can go put the jacket and tie back on.”

“I appreciate the offer, but it won’t be necessary,” I said.  “I don’t think you’ll need the help!” 

We sat at the small table out on his deck while he kept an eye on the food.  I asked him about his trip and we talked about random things.  I marveled at how comfortable we both were already.  The nature of our relationship (for lack of a better word) lent itself well to not needing to impress each other and being able to relax so easily so soon. 

Dinner was excellent again, as was the wine he had to go with it.  “You’re going to spoil me, and I’m going to get used to this,” I warned him as we cleaned up our mess.  “I’m not sure what could possibly be better than a delicious meal, wine, and casual sex.”

“Hey, if you keep on with the casual sex, I have no problem continuing to provide you with food and alcohol,” he said, shrugging.

I looked at him indignantly.  “You make it sound like it’s a business arrangement.  Will fuck for food?”  

Ryan burst out laughing and then said, “Well, when you really get down to it, a friends-with-benefits relationship such as the one we’re engaged in already kind of is a business arrangement.  I get what I need, you get what you need, and we—“

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point,” I said.  “And as much as I’d love to, I can’t argue with it.”

We continued to banter back and forth playfully while we got most of the dinner stuff contained.  I offered to wash dishes but Ryan insisted he’d just do it later.  I definitely wasn’t going to complain about getting dinner made for me and not having to do any dishes.  Ryan yawned as we put away a few other things.  He was clearly tired, but apparently horny was winning for today.

Once we finished up in the kitchen, I wandered into the living room while Ryan wiped off the counters.  I was looking at the books on his bookshelf when he came into the living room and sat down on the couch.  I felt his eyes on me and turned.  He was watching me, and made no move to hide it when our eyes met.  Instead, his lips turned up just slightly as he blatantly checked me out.

“Digging the sweats?” I teased him. 

“I’d rather see what’s under them,” he replied, motioning for me to come over to the couch.  I approached him and rather than sitting next to him like he expected, I climbed on top of him, straddling his lap and running my hands from his chest up into his hair.  “Not wasting any time, huh?” he asked me, grinning as he slid his hands over my hips.  He grabbed my ass and pulled me tighter against him.

“You look awfully jetlagged, so I figured we’d better get to the point so you can get some sleep,” I told him. He started to respond, but I kissed him, cutting him off.  His fingers gripped my ass tighter as he worked his hips against mine.

We had sex right there on the couch, with very little foreplay.  Neither of us needed it that night.  Within 10 minutes of finishing up, I was walking out the door.  Ryan was clearly exhausted and I had to work in the morning, so there was no sense in me hanging around. 

When I got home, I sent a text to Erica and Kelly.  “So, I go over to his house, he cooks me an amazing steak dinner, gives me delicious wine, we have sex, and I still get to come home and sleep in my own bed…alone.  It’s almost too good to be true.”  Erica and Kelly both texted back the same thing, within seconds of each other: “Don’t screw it up!”

I was debating an indignant response when I got another text from Kelly.  “I would hate having to come home and sleep in my own bed after that, but I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”  I chose to respond to that one instead, and we all chatted for a few minutes about the pros and cons of sleeping alone.  Frankly, after so many years of sharing a bed with someone I didn’t trust, I wasn’t in any hurry to share it with someone else.  For now, I much preferred sleeping alone.

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Chapter 32 (7/18/16)

Look for the next post on Wednesday or Thursday!
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I woke up on Saturday nervous as hell and rethinking my plan to attend the cookout.  I has serious qualms about it being at Emma and Charlie’s house.  Of everyone in the group, Charlie and Kevin had always been closest, and I’d been least close with Emma.  I fired a nervous text to Grace.  “Are you sure Emma and Charlie are okay with me coming?” 

Grace didn’t reply right away, so I got up and got in the shower so I didn’t just sit and stare anxiously at my phone.  When I got out of the shower, I had a response.  “Emma is the one who said I should invite you if things went well.  Everyone is looking forward to seeing you,” she assured me.  That soothed my nerves a little bit.  I spent the day running some errands and making my famous taco dip that was always requested at get-togethers.  Nothing like a little bribery to smooth things over. 

Grace had offered to pick me up so we could go together.  I had taken her up on it because the only thing that made me more anxious than going to this cookout was walking in by myself.  When she arrived, I gave her a quick tour of my little house.  She seemed excited and didn’t say a word about the neighborhood, which I was grateful for.  “I love it, Jenna!” she said, as we walked out to her car.  “It’s so cute.” 

“Thanks!” I said.  “It almost didn’t happen, actually.”  While she drove, I told her the story of how I’d already signed a lease and given up on my house hunt, when Mike had called out of the blue with this one. 

“It was clearly meant to be,” Grace said, and there was no hint of sarcasm in her voice.  I wasn’t even sure that Grace knew what sarcasm meant.  She certainly didn’t ever use it.  Her name was fitting in that sense. 

As we pulled up in front of a gorgeous house that apparently was Emma and Charlie’s new house, I felt slightly sick.  “I know it’s easy for me to say, but don’t be nervous!” Grace said, reading my silence.  “Seriously, everyone is looking forward to seeing you.  But I get why you’re nervous.  I won’t leave you alone unless you’re comfortable, okay?  And any time you want to go, just tell me.”

“Okay,” I agreed.  “Thanks.”  Knowing that Grace understood my nervousness helped, but I briefly questioned why I was even here.  I should have listened to Kelly, not to Erica and Ryan.  Then I shook my head, took a deep breath, and looked at Grace.  “I’m ready,” I told her.

It was surreal following Grace into Emma and Charlie’s new house.  Emma was in the kitchen, gathering some plates and utensils, and she immediately put everything down when she saw us.  “Hi!” she said cheerfully.  She walked over, and we stood there awkwardly for a minute.  It was as if she wanted to hug me, but wasn’t quite sure.  My hands were full with my platter of taco dip, so I couldn’t hug her anyway.  Instead, she squeezed my forearm and said, “I’m really glad you came, we missed you.”

I smiled, some of my anxiety drifting away.  “Thanks for inviting me,” I said.  “I definitely missed you guys too.  What should I do with this?”

“Is that your taco dip?” Emma asked excitedly.  Then she looked up at me and solemnly said, “I swear I didn’t invite you just for your taco dip.”  We both laughed.  Emma had a quirky sense of humor that I appreciated. 

“It is,” I confirmed.  “I made a double batch, because you’ve been deprived for so long.”

Emma cheerfully took it out of my hands and led us out onto a large deck.  It wrapped around the back and one side of the large house.  They had a table set up with a bunch of food on it and she arranged my dip and its chips there, shifting things to make some room.  I saw Charlie on the other side of the deck, tending to the grill.  Sam and her longtime boyfriend Nate approached as Emma was directing us to coolers that held beer and soda.  “Hi, Jenna,” Sam said shyly.  She was always the quietest of the bunch, and she looked just about as nervous as I was. 

“Hi,” I replied, smiling at her.  She came over and hugged me briefly, then retreated back to Nate’s side.  “Hi, Nate,” I said.  Nate quickly wrapped me into a tight hug.  Of the guys in the group, he’d always been one of my favorites. 

“Jenna, it’s good to see you,” he said, with his arms around me.  “I’m really glad you’re here.” 

“I’m still working on how I feel about it,” I said jokingly, “But I think I’m glad I’m here.”  Nate laughed and released me, looking me up and down.  Not in a creepy or lecherous way, just in the way you look at someone you haven’t seen in awhile.  Charlie heard our commotion and made his way over.  He smiled tightly at me and shook my hand as he greeted me.  So awkward.   I didn’t miss the dirty look that Emma shot him, either.  So, not everyone was happy to see me.

There were a couple people wandering around that I didn’t know.  They must have been Emma and Charlie’s friends from work that Grace had mentioned.  Emma hurried back into the house to get the abandoned plates and utensils, and Sam trailed her in to help.  Grace and I went to the coolers lining part of the deck railing and found some drinks, while I made a mental note to be careful how much I drank.  The last thing I needed was to get fucked up and ridiculous in front of these people that I hadn’t seen in forever because they thought my ex-husband divorced me because I wouldn’t stop drinking so we could have children.  I felt a stab of irritation when I saw Charlie throw a judgmental look at the beer in my hand. 

Emma and Sam came back out and Emma pressed plates into everyone’s hands.  “Get some food!” she said cheerfully.  “Burgers and brats will be done in a little bit, right babe?” she called to Charlie.

“Yep,” Charlie responded, not turning away from the grill, which he’d returned to with Nate in tow.  Emma pursed her lips briefly, then put a bright smile back on.  I immediately began to wonder if I should just go.  But before I could process that thought, Emma was nudging me towards the table, which I now saw contained veggies and dip, fruit salad, deviled eggs, my taco dip, and a variety of other sides and appetizers.  There was enough food to feed three times the amount of people that were here.  I grabbed a few things and then sat down at the large table in the middle of the deck with Grace, Sam, and Emma.

“You look so good,” Emma said to me immediately.  “Have you lost some weight?”

“She looked good before,” Sam pointed out gently.

“A little bit,” I said, feeling kind of awkward again.  “I started running and taking some dance classes.”

“Well, you did look good before,” Emma said, nodding at Sam.  “But you also look good now!” 

“Thank you,” I said, smiling and taking a drink of my beer so I didn’t have to say anything else.  I noticed all the eyes at the table went to the beer in my hand, and I quickly set it down. 

Sam noticed and she smiled apologetically at me.  I returned her smile and turned my attention to my food.  Everyone started talking about something that had happened the last time they got together, and I just listened quietly.  I had no idea what they were talking about.   Eventually one of the other couples there wandered over, and I introduced myself to them.  I chatted quietly with them while Grace, Sam, and Emma continued talking about whatever they were talking about. 

When Charlie announced the food was ready, I asked Emma where to find the bathroom.  She directed me to it and I stood up.  Grace gave me a questioning look, but I just smiled.  I really did need to use the bathroom. 

On my way out of the bathroom, I ran into Nate in the kitchen.  He was getting ice out of the freezer.  “Did I tell you I’m glad to see you?” he asked, grinning.

“I think so,” I replied, smiling back.  “This is kind of weird though.”

He nodded, then his face got serious. “Look, Jenna…I’m really sorry about everything that happened.  I’m sorry about your divorce, I’m sorry that we all abandoned you, and I’m really sorry that we didn’t question his story.  We were all really awful and we don’t deserve this second chance.”

“Thank you,” I said.  “I appreciate that.  I missed you guys, and I won’t lie, it sucked to be abandoned by so many people in the midst of the shittiest thing that’s ever happened to me.  But I’m doing really well now, and I know you were all in a tough spot.”

“Yeah, I hear you bought a house,” he said.  “That’s really cool.  Are you dating anyone?”

I laughed.  “No, not really.  I mean, I’m dating a little, but nothing serious.  No one worth mentioning, anyway!” 

“Is dating as terrible as I remember it being?” he asked.

“Probably worse,” I confirmed.  “I’m just trying to have fun with it.”

“Good, that seems like what you should be doing,” he said, smiling warmly.  “Well, I’m glad you’re here.  Come get some food!”  I followed him back out onto the deck.  Charlie, who was now sitting across my empty chair, eyed us warily.  I grabbed a hamburger, some sides, and a new beer and sat back down in my chair.  Charlie’s eyes shot to my beer, and I looked blankly at him while I opened it and took a long drink.  He shifted his eyes away and I turned my attention to my food.  I was starving.

“So what kind of dance classes are you taking?” Grace asked, pulling me into the conversation.  I shot her a grateful look and told them about my dance classes.  Charlie remained silent and appeared to ignore me the entire time.  I sighed.  I knew winning them all back over would have been too good to be true, but I didn’t think Charlie would be openly hostile to me.

Emma noticed too, and she leaned over and whispered something to him.  He shook his head stubbornly and gave her a dirty look.  Emma pursed her lips and then turned away from him.  I caught her subtle eye roll just before she re-engaged in the conversation.  It was enough to quiet me down for a little while again. 

After everyone finished eating, part of the group moved down to the yard to play some lawn games.  I stayed up on the deck with Grace and Sam and one of Emma’s work friends.  After a little while, Emma’s work friend joined the group down in the yard, and Grace announced that she needed to use the bathroom.  She glanced at me and I waved her off.  When it was just Sam and me, Sam said, “I’m sorry that Charlie is being cold.”

I shrugged.  “I didn’t expect him to welcome me back with open arms,” I said.  “He’s one of Kevin’s best friends.”

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t have to be an ass about it,” she replied.  I raised my eyebrows in surprise.  Sam didn’t swear much.  She shrugged and said, “Well, he is.”

I laughed.  “It’s fine,” I said.  “I mean, it’s not fine, but I understand it.”

Sam and I sat quietly for a minute, sipping our drinks.  Then she said, “I’m sorry for not standing up for you or getting in touch with you.”

“Thanks, Sam,” I said.  “It sucked, but I understand that too.  And I’m glad Grace reached out, and that you guys wanted me to come today.  It’s been kind of a weird day, but not as weird as I was anticipating.”

“Nate really missed you,” she said.  “He stood up for you from the start, just so you know.  When Kevin told us that stupid story, Nate told him to his face that he didn’t believe him.  It caused some tension and some hard feelings.  Nate and Kevin don’t talk much anymore.  He feels terrible for not reaching out to you.” 

Nate and I had gotten along from the moment Kevin introduced us.  Never in an inappropriate way, just as great friends.  I was never interested in anything more with Nate, and as far as I knew, neither was he.  Losing him and Grace had been the worst part of my divorce.  “Thanks for telling me that, though I’m sorry he lost Kevin because of it,” I said honestly.  In my ideal world, we could have all stayed friends and no relationships would have been lost…but I knew that was unrealistic.

“He always said he liked you better than Kevin anyway,” she said with a shrug.  “I did too, but it’s hard.”  I knew exactly what she meant.  I was surprised that I wasn’t more upset that everyone felt terrible for not reaching but never did anyway.  I really did understand, and at this point it wasn’t worth it to hold a grudge. 

Grace came back out and grinned at us.  “I think I might be ready,” I said to her quietly. 

“Okay,” she said, nodding.  She didn’t even question me. 

“Oh,” Sam said, as we stood up.  “Jenna, I’m thinking about throwing a surprise party for Nate’s birthday.  I’ll keep you posted, okay?”

“Sure, that sounds great,” I said, smiling.  Grace and I said goodbye to Sam and walked down to the yard to say goodbye to everyone else.

Once we were in the car, Grace looked at me with concern.  “Did something happen while I was in the bathroom?”

“No, not at all,” I said.  “It was just enough for the first time back, you know?”

She nodded.  “Got it.”  She paused and then said, “Well, almost everyone was happy to see you.”

I snorted.  “I expected it from Charlie,” I said with a shrug.  “He never really liked me much even when Kevin and I were happily together.”

“I think he knew what Kevin was up to, honestly,” Grace guessed.  “He’d never admit to knowing it, but if anyone knew, it would have been him.”

I didn’t respond.  I didn’t know what to say.  I had never considered that someone might have known and just…not told me.  But why would he?  His loyalty was with Kevin, not me.  I frowned and looked out the window. 

“Jenna, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry,” Grace said.

“No, it’s fine.  It just hadn’t occurred to me until you said it.  I’m just processing.  I’m actually glad I went, despite Charlie.  I mostly had fun, and it was nice to see Emma and Sam and Nate again.”

“Justin’s bummed that he missed you,” she said, turning onto my street.  “I hope you’ll come to Nate’s party.  Kevin will probably be there, though.”

“I don’t want him to stop me from living my life anymore,” I said.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Grace grin.  I didn’t know how I’d do at a party with Kevin there.  Especially if Charlie was there, being Charlie.  But I also didn’t want to miss Nate’s party.  Sam, despite her quiet and slightly shy personality, threw great parties. 

“Well, we’ll definitely keep you in the loop,” Grace said, putting her car in park in my driveway.  “Are we still on for brunch tomorrow, too?”

“Definitely,” I said. 

“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow then, and I’ll let you know if we do anything else fun soon!” 

I thanked her for driving and got out.  I felt relieved as I let myself into my house.  I’d had fun, but it was definitely awkward, especially with Charlie’s cold shoulder.  I’d been out of the loop for long enough that I didn’t really know what was going on with anyone.   I was glad I went, though.  Hopefully next time (if there was a next time) would be easier.

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Chapter 31 (7/17/16)

I'm finally ahead with writing and editing, so let's do some bonuses this week!  If you didn't catch yesterday's post, make sure you read that one first.  This one is a little shorter, but come back Tuesday morning for the next post!

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I still wasn’t positive if I was going to go on Saturday, but I was leaning a little more towards yes by the end of the day on Wednesday.  I had dinner with Erica and Kelly, and I told them about Grace and the cookout.  They both knew damn well how hurt I’d been by the group’s sudden disappearance from my life, and they both reacted very differently.

Erica, who was excited that I had reconciled with Grace, said, “I really, really think you should go.  I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.  And you know Grace will hang out with you and diffuse anything that might happen, not that I think anything will.”

Kelly, who could hold a grudge better than anyone else I knew, shook her head.  “We don’t know that, though.  We don’t know that at all.  Where did Grace go when everyone left?  With them.  She finally called when she found out she was a dick for believing an obviously made up story.”  She looked at me and narrowed her eyes slightly.  “I don’t trust her.”

“Clearly,” I said, laughing.  “I don’t think she has any bad intentions,” I continued.  “I think she just got caught up in the groupthink.  She was in a shitty position.”

“You’re too nice,” Kelly said.

I snorted.  “No one has ever accused me of that before.” I was about to say more, but my phone lit up with a new text from a number I didn’t recognize.  I frowned at it and picked it up.  “Hey, this is Jesse from Rachael’s friend’s birthday.  Sorry it took me so long to text, but I’d really like to take you out sometime soon.”

“Who is it?” Erica asked curiously.

“Jesse,” I responded, feeling perplexed.  I had no idea why he’d want to go out with me after the spectacle I made of myself that night.

“Who is Jesse?” Erica and Kelly both looked confused.  I realized that I had never told them the story of the night I went out with Rachel, so I filled them in. 

“I can’t believe he wants to see me after how much of a drunken disaster I was,” I said, at the end of the story.

“We all do dumb things when we’re drunk,” Erica said, shrugging.  “You must have just impressed him enough before getting ridiculous.”

I frowned skeptically.  “But why did he wait so long to text?” I wondered out loud.  “That seems odd.”

“Maybe he had an emergency, or was on vacation,” Kelly suggested.  She was not normally optimistic, so I was surprised by her answer.  “Don’t overthink it.  Do you want to go out with him?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” I said.  “He was cute and seemed nice enough.”  They both urged me to just go, so I texted him back.  Within minutes, we’d set up a date for Friday night.

“I’m kind of jealous of how easy it is for you to get dates,” Erica said.

I almost spit out a mouthful of wine.  “Are you in the market?” I asked, joking.  “I had no idea.”

“No, but if I was I know it wouldn’t be as easy as it is for you,” she retorted.

I shrugged.  “I mean, I can get a couple dates but that doesn’t mean they’re good.  I’d rather have fewer better dates, really.”

We debated the merits of quality vs quantity for a while and then our conversation turned to other topics.  Eventually Erica needed to leave so we all went home for the night.  Alone in my car, headed towards home, I questioned my decision to go out with Jesse.  I was still not feeling ready to date anyone.  I reasoned with myself that as long as I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t interested in anything serious, it would be fine.

On Friday, as I got ready for my date, I thought about how much I had changed over the last 8 months.  I’d been so much more of a homebody while I was married, and now I was out and about doing something almost every night.  But after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that it wasn’t that I had changed now…I had changed while I was married.  Prior to getting married to Kevin I’d been a social butterfly, but living with someone that you were constantly worried was cheating you was soul sucking.  My extroverted nature had slowly withered to not really wanting to do much of anything. 

Shaking my head, I put the thoughts out of my mind and concentrated on my makeup.  I kept it fairly simple and finished it quickly.  I curled my hair a little, then glanced at my phone.  I was running late and needed to leave.  I quickly brushed my teeth, ran my fingers through my hair one more time, and then left.

When I got the restaurant where we were meeting, Jesse wasn’t there.  He walked in just after me and spotted me immediately.  “I’m so sorry I’m late,” he apologized.  “Seriously, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “I just got here too.”

“Oh good, I felt really bad that I was going to be late,” he said.  Clearly.  He took a second to look me over, and then he said, “Wow, you look really beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling.  I started to say something else, but he kept talking.

“I thought you were really pretty when we met, but you look amazing tonight.”

“Thanks,” I said again, feeling a little self-conscious.  I chalked his enthusiasm up to nerves, because I didn’t remember him seeming quite so excitable when we first met.

We had to wait a little while for a table and the bar was full, so we stood near the door and talked.  He didn’t mention my drunken antics and neither did I.  We did a great job of just pretending it didn’t happen, and that was fine with me.  Maybe he had also been a shit show and didn’t even remember.

When we finally got a table, we ordered drinks right away.  I hoped it would quell his enthusiasm a little.  He thought my job sounded “sooooo cool” (there's nothing exciting about my job),  and he was thrilled that I owned my home and didn’t rent.  I was struggling with responding politely because his comments were so over the top.  

He did settle down a little after getting a drink into him, and my hope that it was just nerves returned.  We actually spent most of our meal having good conversation, which was nice.  After dinner, he walked with me out to my car.  It was a gorgeous early summer night, and I relished that it was barely even dark.  “I’d ask you if you wanted to go get a drink somewhere, but since we both drove, that’s probably not a good choice,” he said, shrugging.  “I’d like to see you again though.  What are you up to tomorrow?”

I’d never had a man ask me out for a second date the next day and I was slightly surprised.  “I actually have plans tomorrow,” I said truthfully.  I had finally decided to just go to the cookout and see how it went.  “And on Sunday,” I added, before he could suggest that.  “I have my dance class on Monday, but what about Tuesday?”

He frowned.  “I have dinner plans with friends on Tuesday already.  Wednesday or Thursday?”

“Wednesday is my dinner with friends day,” I said, wrinkling my nose.  “And I have dance on Thursdays too…so Friday or Saturday?”

“You’re a busy girl,” he said, shaking his head.  “I think Saturday will work, can I let you know?”

“Sure,” I said, fully expecting not to ever hear from him again.  He seemed irritated with my busy schedule.  I considered telling him I wasn’t looking for anything serious right now, but seeing as I probably wouldn’t hear from him, I decided not to bother.  We said goodnight and I got in my car. 

As soon as he was gone, I texted Erica and Kelly.  “Weirdest date ever!”  Kelly responded right away.  “Weird how?” “He was super enthusiastic and complimentary right away, then he settled down and we had really conversation over dinner, then he asked to see me again TOMORROW, and when we figured out that next Saturday is probably the next day we both have free, he went cold,” I responded.  “hmmmm,” Kelly replied.  “I doubt I’ll hear from him,” I texted back.  Then I tossed my phone in my purse and put my car in gear to head home.

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