Monday, July 4, 2016

Chapter 25 (7/4/16)

I would never leave you hanging too long after a cliffhanger!  (If you didn't see Sunday's post, scroll down and read that one first.)  Enjoy :)
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“Jenna, this is—“
“Ryan,” I interrupted, taken completely by surprise.
Ryan grinned, and Rachael frowned.  “You guys know each other?” she asked, looking between us in confusion.
“Not exactly, but we’ve met,” Ryan said, extending his hand towards me.  I took it and we shook.  He held onto my hand a beat longer than necessary.  “Nice to see you again, and now I know your name, too.”
Rachael still looked really confused.  I colored slightly as I said, “Ryan was my server when I was out on a terrible date.  He swapped my disgusting gin and tonic for a vodka soda and made it slightly less terrible.”  I left out the part about him chasing me out to my car to give me his number, and I flushed a little more thinking about it.  So awkward.
“You know that terrible date was the talk of the kitchen, right?” Ryan asked, his easy grin widening.  “We were all talking about the poor pretty girl that was out on either a blind date or an online dating date with the not-so-pretty guy that was completely full of himself.  It was the least I could do.”
My face was hot now, and Rachael only looked slightly less confused.  Seeing her confusion, Ryan said, “My uncle owns a restaurant and I fill in sometimes when I’m home.”  Turning to me, he said, “My day job is international project management.  You caught me on a rare night I was helping my uncle out.”
Erica had wandered over and she introduced herself to Ryan.  I had no idea what “international project management” actually was, so I just smiled and nodded.  “You must travel a lot then,” Erica said, saving me from having to come up with something.
Ryan nodded.  “I do.  I’m hardly ever home for more than a week or two at a time, except for every once in awhile when I get a month or so off from traveling.  That only happens once or twice a year though.” 
Rachael had recovered, and the four of us chatted for awhile.  Eventually, I somehow found myself alone with Ryan as the sun went down.  “So, was it my approach?”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“You didn’t call.  You're not into strange men chasing you down in a dark parking lot?”
I snorted.  “Well, that certainly wasn’t how I was expecting that night to end.  But it wasn’t that.  I’m not really dating right now.”
“Why not?” he asked boldly.
I pursed my lips and considered how to answer.  Finally, I decided honestly was for the best here.  “I’m fairly recently divorced,” I admitted.
“How recently is ‘fairly recently’?” he asked. 
My eyebrows flew up.  This guy was ballsy.  “You have terrible social skills,” I told him.  “Do you normally go around prying into people’s lives?”
“Only people I’m interested in,” he replied, returning my surprised look with a level gaze. 
I found myself melting (figuratively, of course), and I answered his question.  “Not quite 6 months ago.”  I immediately scolded myself internally for buckling so easily for an attractive man. 
“I don’t date,” he said, shrugging.  “I can’t, really.  I’m gone too much.  But I’d like to take you out sometime anyway.”
“Why?  If you don’t date, what’s the point?”
He smirked.  “Why do you think?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.  My god, he was sexy.
“You want to have sex with me,” I replied bluntly. 
He laughed.  “Well, I prefer to get to know people at least a little before I make that decision.”
“This is easily the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had,” I said, shaking my head.
“Weirder than your conversation with Mr. ‘I Work in Finance’?”
I shuddered, remembering it.  “That doesn’t even count as a conversation.  I think I said a dozen words the entire time I was there, and 10 of them were to you!”
“That’s probably true,” he agreed.  “Look, I’m a big fan of honesty.  I don’t date, but I would like to get to know you better to see what might happen.”
“So you want to take me out, but not on a date.  More like an interview to be your fuck buddy.”  I raised an eyebrow at him skeptically.
“You can call it whatever you want,” he replied with easy confidence.  “But you could also consider it an interview for me to be your fuck buddy.”
I wrinkled my nose.  “You’re a cocky motherfucker,” I told him.
“Confident,” he corrected me. 
I narrowed my eyes at him.  I hated that I was attracted to him.   His dark blue eyes regarded me calmly, waiting for me to respond.  When I said nothing, he shrugged, rubbed his hand over the two days’ worth of stubble along his jaw, and leaned back in his chair.  Erica reappeared at that moment and plopped down in the chair next to me.  “Where did you go?” I asked her, happy to turn my attention away from Ryan.
“I went inside to go to the bathroom, but then I started talking to one of Rachael’s friends and got distracted.”  She stopped and looked between Ryan and I, realized that she had interrupted something.  “You know, I can go—“ she started.
“What were you talking about?” I asked, interrupting her and preventing her from leaving.
She gave me a weird look and kept talking.  Ryan stayed long enough to be polite and then excused himself, perfectly politely.  He caught my eye just before he left, and he flashed me a quick, dazzling, ridiculously sexy smile.  Then he was gone.  “That’s the guy that Rachael is trying to hook you up with?” Erica asked unnecessarily, watching him walk away.  “He is beautiful.”
“He is,” I groaned.  “He’s also one cocky son of a bitch.” 
Erica cocked an eyebrow at me.  “That’s never bothered you before,” she pointed out.  I just glared at her.  She shrugged.  “I mean, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested…but he’s exactly your type and he is hot.”
“He is,” I repeated, sighing.  “He wants to take me out.  But not on a date.”  Erica looked puzzled.  “It’s a sex interview, Erica.”
Erica burst into laughter at that.  “A sex interview?” she repeated, still laughing.  “You’re ridiculous.” 
She was still laughing when Rachael came and pulled a chair up next to me on the other side.  “Well?” she asked, waggling her eyebrows at me. 
“He’s a dick,” I said. 
Rachael looked surprised.  “No he’s not,” she said.  “He comes off like a cocky asshole but he’s actually a really nice guy.  Don’t tell him I told you that though.” 
“That’s something that someone who was trying to get their friend laid would say,” I said.
“I know, I told him the same thing about you,” she shot back, smirking. 
I laughed, shaking my head.  “You would.”
“I would, but I didn’t,” she replied.  “Look, don’t feel pressured to go out with him.  I meant it when I said if you weren’t into it you wouldn’t hear about it from me again.  But don’t let his attitude fool you.”  Someone called out for Rachael and she tossed one more grin at me before she jumped up and walked towards the girl who called her name. 
“Are you ready?” I asked Erica.  She nodded and we stood. 
As we were walking through the backyard, I caught sight of Ryan again.  He was standing with a small group of people near the edge of the yard.  As I watched him, he turned his head and our eyes met.  “Just a second,” I said to Erica.  Feeling impulsive, I walked towards him.  He broke away from his friends as I approached.  Before he could say anything, I handed him my phone.  “Put your number in, in the event I decide to take you up on going out sometime,” I said coolly. 
“Sure,” he said, flashing that smile at me again.  He put his number in then handed it back to me. 
“Thanks,” I said, returning his smile.  Then I took my phone, turned, and walked back towards Erica without looking back to see if he was watching me.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Chapter 24 (7/3/16)

A nice long post to thank you all for being so patient with my crazy life and posting "schedule".  Happy 4th to my American readers!
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It was April now, so the weather was starting to warm up from unimaginably cold to tolerably cold.  I was able to get back to and keep trucking along with my “running”, which was progressing very slowly.  Regardless, the slightly warmer weather and the exercise worked well together to lift my mood and I found myself becoming more and more cheerful as we got closer to spring in northern Minnesota. 
Rachael and I attended our free dance class together, and I loved it so much that I signed up for the next round of beginning jazz dance for adults, which started in a couple weeks.  Rachael was less impressed with it.  “I don’t think I’m going to walk right for a week,” she complained, grimacing as she carefully lowered herself onto the passenger seat of my car.
I chuckled as I got in, definitely feeling it but not quite as miserable as Rachael.  “I thought it was awesome,” I countered, still on an endorphin high. 
“I’m really glad you liked it,” Rachael said sincerely.  “Are you going to be able to go by yourself when your classes start?”
“Yeah,” I replied, nodding.  “There were way more people that went there alone than I thought.  Maybe I’ll even make some new friends!”
My excitement carried over to that weekend when Rachael and I went to our intro to climbing class at the climbing gym.  I had fun, but it wasn’t something I planned to do regularly.  Either way, it was nice to get out and do something besides going out to dinner or for a few drinks. 

I settled quickly into a new routine as winter finally melted away and spring came for real.  I went to my dance class every Thursday, and when the next round of classes started, I added a beginning tap class too.  I wasn’t very good, but it didn’t matter.  I had a lot of fun and was making friends with the people in my classes.  It was also a really great workout, and between the dance classes and my running (which was still more walking than running, but I was determined to stick with it), I lost a couple pounds and started feeling a lot better about myself in general. 
In addition to feeling more confident, I was also feeling better mentally.  I hadn’t had one of those random bad days like my Target parking lot meltdown in weeks.  When I found something that I had accidentally brought to my new house that actually belonged to Kevin, I didn’t agonize over whether or not I could manage texting him and letting him know.  I just did it.  He told me to keep it, and that was the end of it.  I didn’t give it another thought. 
Despite all that, I was still shying away from dating.  It just felt like it was too soon, and it hadn’t been long enough since my last meltdown for me to believe that I was actually out of the woods with it.  Every once in awhile I considered reactivating my online dating account, but then I realized that I kind of hated the entire idea of online dating. 
I also picked a weekend to go visit Chelsea.  I hadn’t seen her since I stopped for lunch on my way back from my parents’ house at Christmas.  She only lived 2 hours away, there was no reason for not seeing her more often.  Her husband, Aaron, was out of town for the fishing opener, and we had a great weekend of shopping, eating, relaxing, and drinking a lot of wine—obviously.  As we were saying goodbye, she looked at me and cocked her head.  “You seem happy, Jen.  Like seriously happy.  I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy in a really long time.”
“I am happy,” I said.  “Seriously happy.  Getting divorced was the worst thing and the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I think.  If that makes any sense.”
“Not really, but I know what you mean,” she said, nodding.  “It sucked at the time, but now that you’ve gotten your life back together and realized how much better off you are, everything is good.”
“Exactly,” I agreed.  And it was true.  Now that I could live my life without being constantly worried that Kevin was cheating on my or lying to me, I felt free.  I wasn’t in a hurry to mess that up by losing my freedom to someone.

Rachael caught up to me in our small parking lot after work the next Thursday.  “Hey, I’m having a few people over this Saturday for a cookout to celebrate spring, and you should come,” she said. 
“I’d love to, but I have plans with Erica and Kelly,” I fibbed.  I didn’t, but I also didn’t want to attend a party where I wouldn’t know anyone but Rachael.
“Bring them with you.  I’ve always wanted to meet them anyway,” she insisted.  “I have a friend I want you to meet.”
I cocked an eyebrow skeptically.  “A friend with a vagina, or a friend with a penis?” I asked.
“A penis,” she admitted.
“Nope,” I said immediately, starting to open my car door.  “You know I’m not really dating right now.”
Unfazed, she said, “Good, because neither is he.”  I gave her a confused look and waited for her to explain.  “He travels a lot for work.  Sometime he’s gone for weeks at a time.  He’s attractive, makes good money, and is a pretty nice guy.  He’d make a great no-pressure friend with benefits.”
I paused, considering this.  A good-looking friend with benefits did sound appealing.  But then I shrugged.  “I don’t know, Rach.”
“Just come.  I promise I won’t tell him about you.  Just come and meet him and if you’re not into it, then that’s fine!  But I think you’ll be into it.”
“You’re not going to stop harassing me until I agree, are you?” I asked, knowing her all too well.
“Nope!” she confirmed, grinning deviously. 
I sighed.  “Let me talk to Erica and Kelly.  If they don’t want to go, I’m not coming, I had plans with them first.” 
“Fine,” she agreed.  “Make sure you tell them why I want you to come, though!”
Kelly and her husband had plans that Saturday with her inlaws, but Erica happily agreed to accompany me to Rachael’s cookout.  “It’s supposed to be really nice this weekend,” she said happily, when I told them about the party that evening over dinner.  “And some video game just came out and I’m sure John is going to spend all weekend playing it.”
“I think it’s really weird that your husband still plays video games for hours at a time,” Kelly said.
“Try days at a time, if he could get away with it,” Erica replied, rolling her eyes.  “But it usually only lasts for a couple weeks after whatever exciting new game comes out, and then he goes back to normal.”
We discussed John’s video game hobby awhile longer, then went our separate ways.  I spent the next day hoping that Erica would bail on me and I’d have an excuse not to go to Rachael’s cookout, but it didn’t happen.  Despite my reluctance to go, I found myself spending a little longer picking out my outfit and doing my hair and makeup on Saturday.  When I realized it, I rolled my eyes at myself and put my hair in a ponytail out of sheer defiance.
“You look really cute,” Erica said when I got in her car.  “And I’m so excited that it’s so nice out!”  She was right.  It was supposed to hit 70 degrees today (not that that was a requirement for a Minnesota spring cookout) and it was sunny and just a little breezy.  It was a great day for an outdoor party.
There were already a handful of cars parked on the street by Rachael’s house, and we parked a few houses down and made our way straight to the backyard.  Rachael spotted us right away and hurried over.  “Hi, you made it!” she said, hugging me.
“I did!” I replied cheerfully.  I was happy to be outside without a coat on, and I wasn’t going to let Rachael’s motivation for inviting me ruin my good mood.  “This is Erica.  Kelly got sick last night and bailed.”  It was too easy to fib to cover my tracks. 
Rachael and Erica greeted each other and Rachael pressed a beer into each of our hands.  “Enjoy the party!  Food is on the patio.  I’ll catch up with you a little later!”  And then she scampered off back to the party.
Erica and I went and got some food and found a place to sit and eat.  I recognized a couple familiar faces from previous social events I’d gone to with Rachael and we chatted with some of them for a little while.  I wondered who it was that Rachael was trying to set me up with, and I scanned the guests to try to guess.  There were a couple nice looking men standing around, but most seemed to be there with a significant other. 
I was grabbing another beer for myself when I heard Rachael behind me.  “Food is over here.  Oh, and I want you to meet my friend from work!”  I paused, with my back still to Rachael.  I realized that whoever she had with her must be the guy she wanted me to meet, and he must have just arrived.  “Jenna!” she said cheerfully.
I opened my beer and turned around, smiling in the direction of Rachael’s voice.  Then I froze in surprise, because I immediately recognized the person she was standing with.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Chapter 23 (7/1/16)

I moped for an entire week.  I rolled out of bed at the last possible second every morning, flirted with “acceptably late” every day, and refused Rachael’s pleas to go to lunch with her.  I was so relieved when Saturday rolled around again.  I slept in super late, lazed in bed for way longer than was socially acceptable, and then managed to make it down to the couch, where I spent the afternoon.
I got hungry eventually and surveyed the kitchen.  I’d never made it to the grocery store.  I’d thought about it a couple times, but then I remembered sobbing in my car in the parking lot and decided against it.  Wrinkling my nose at the lack of options, I pulled a can of soup from the depths of the pantry and dumped it into a bowl.  The bowl went in the microwave, because even heating it up on the stove seemed daunting. 
I was just making myself comfortable on the couch again when someone knocked on the door.  Sneakily, I moved the curtains as little as possible to peak out.  Kelly and Erica were standing on my front porch.  With a sigh, I set my bowl of lava hot soup on the end table and got up to answer the door.
I knew better than to protest their presence, and to be honest, I was kind of glad for the company—as long as they didn’t try to make me leave the house.  Not today.  I pulled the door open and stood aside as they came in, stamping the snow off their boots.  “We miss you,” Erica said, looking worried.
“And we brought pizza.  And wine!” Kelly said, grinning at me. 
Despite my commitment to being a miserable human being over the last week, I couldn’t help but return her smile.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed them until they were there.  “If you would have called, I would have at least showered,” I said, suddenly aware that I was still in my pajamas. 
“If we would have called, you would have told us not to come and then ignored us when we knocked,” Kelly replied, and she was probably right.
“At least let me change,” I said, heading upstairs.  Erica and Kelly were already walking into the kitchen and I hurried to my room.  I ditched my baggy flannel pants with the hole in the crotch and pulled on a comfy pair of yoga pants.  A little deodorant and a clean hoodie was good enough for Kelly and Erica.  I ran a comb through my hair and pulled it up into a messy bun, then went back downstairs. 
Kelly and Erica were sitting on my couch with wine and pizza, and there was a plate and glass for me on the coffee table.  They had made themselves at home and were flipping through Netflix options, arguing good-naturedly.  We finally settled on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, because when is that movie not perfect?
They didn’t say a word to me about my self-imposed isolation.  They didn’t scold me, or pity me, or make me promise to go out with them next weekend.  They just hung out, fed me, and watched stupid movies with me all evening. It was exactly what I needed, and it was perfect.
Almost 3 bottles of wine in, I suddenly declared, “I need a hobby.”
“A hobby,” Kelly replied skeptically.
“A hobby,” I repeated.  We all looked at each other and started giggling.  “Seriously, though.  All I do is work and go on terrible dates.  And hang out with you guys, but you have husbands and stuff.”
“So?” Erica said indignantly.  “That doesn’t make us less fun.”
“Well, actually…” I teased her, ducking the balled-up napkin she sent flying in my direction.  “But I need something to do that I enjoy.  Something that brings me joy.”
Kelly looked legitimately concerned now.  “Have you been reading self-help books again, Jenna?”
I rolled my eyes.  “No!  But don’t you think I could do better than working, going on meaningless dates, and moping around for a week at a time?”
“That’s a stupid question,” she said. 
“Then support me in my quest to find a hobby,” I instructed her.  I looked at Erica, who nodded her support with a mouthful of pizza. 
“What do you want to do?” she asked, after she had swallowed. 
I frowned.  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  “I don’t know,” I admitted.  “I…I don’t really even know what I like to do.”  Kevin and I had played tennis, hiked, camped, fished, gone wine tasting…but now that I really thought about it, those were all things that he had originally suggested.  I had enjoyed doing them to spend time with him, but I wasn’t sure I actually liked doing any of those things.
“Oh!” Erica exclaimed, startling me and making me knock into my wine glass.  Kelly caught it, shook her head, and moved it safely out of reach of my flailing arms.  “You should do a thing where you try something new every week until you find something you really like!”
“You can’t decide you like something after doing it once,” Kelly argued. 
“Well, you can find out if you like it enough to try doing again,” Erica insisted. 
I held up my hands.  “I don’t know if I want to do anything that regimented, or whatever,” I said.  “I just want to try a few things and figure out what I like to do.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” Erica said encouragingly.  She glared at Kelly, who nodded quickly.
“You know I’ll support whatever you want to do,” she said, and though she was completely skeptical, her words were sincere. 
Kelly and Erica and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, and then we crashed hard, right in my living room.  As determined as I had been to be grumpy and miserable, it felt so good to spend time with my friends again.

Over the next few weeks, I spent a lot of time searching for new potential hobbies.  I combed through the community education offerings, deciding I’d love to learn French, become a photographer, and paint pottery.  A Google search brought options such as rock climbing, dance classes for adults, and various community meet-ups.   But when it came to actually pulling the trigger on something, I was stuck.  The idea of actually going to something like this alone was terrifying to me.  I was convinced that everyone in attendance would arrive with a friend except me, and I’d spend the entire time completely alone in a crowded room.
I was at lunch with Rachael one day and feeling like sharing, so I filled her in on my quest and my conundrum.  “I’ll try a few things with you,” she offered.  “I’m not interested in painting mugs and stuff, but learning a language or rock climbing might be interesting!”
“What about dance?” I asked.  A local studio offered ballet, tap, and jazz classes for adults, and they offered a free “trial” class to anyone that was interested in trying it out. 
She wrinkled her nose, but then said, “I’ve always wanted to try rock climbing, so if you come do that with me, I’ll try a dance class with you.”
“Deal!” I said, excited. 
The next challenge was making our schedules line up.  Coordinating it with the open intro to climbing classes at a local climbing gym was even tougher.  We finally found one that worked for both of us in a few weeks.  Then we picked a day to go to the dance class together. I promised to call that evening to register us for it. 

When we headed back to work, I felt better than I had in a month.  For some reason, this signified truly moving on for me.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was doing something that was 100% for me, and it felt good.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Sorry all!

Hi!  I'm so sorry, I have not forgotten about you guys.  I'm making some changes to the storyline and the next post is not quite ready.  I anticipate it being up probably later tonight or sometime Friday.  Saturday at the latest!  Thanks for your patience.  I know I've been pretty inconsistent here, and I do apologize for that.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Chapter 22 (6/20/16)

I pulled into the grocery store parking lot fairly early on Saturday.  I’d ended up in bed shortly after I got home from my date, which led to an early wake up.  I figured I should take advantage of that and hit the store early to avoid the crowds.
Apparently I wasn’t the only one with that idea, and the parking lot was much fuller than I anticipated.  Oh well, it was definitely better than it would be later on.  I was about to get out of my car when I saw an SUV go past that looked exactly like Kevin’s.  Same make and model, same color, everything.  I froze, not even sure if it was his.  My eyes followed it until it drove out of the parking lot, and I was relieved.  Then I realized I hadn’t even made a grocery list.
I pulled out my phone and opened my notes app, but I couldn’t remember what I needed or even what I had been thinking about cooking this week.  As I stared at the blank note on my phone, my eyes filled with tears.  I tried to fight them, but eventually I dropped my phone into my lap, covered my face with my hands, and leaned my head against the steering wheel, giving into the full on ugly crying. 
Once I had regained some semblance of control, I fumbled with my phone and dialed a number.  Chelsea answered on the second ring.  “Jenna!  I was just thinking about you.”
“I’m a mess,” I managed before I started crying again.
“Jenna, what’s wrong?” Chelsea asked, sounding concerned.  “Hey, breathe.  Calm down.  Tell me who to kill.”
“No one.  Kevin.  The asshole I went out with last night.  I don’t even know,” I choked out between sobs and hiccupping breaths. 
Chelsea let me calm down and then she said, “What did Kevin do now? Who is the asshole you went out with last night?  And why are you crying?”
“I’m crying because I forgot to make a grocery list,” I said bitterly. 
“Well that seems like a very un-Jenna-like reason to cry,” Chelsea pointed out.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” I grumbled, sniffling and rubbing furiously at my eyes.  “I’m sitting in the grocery store parking lot sobbing because I forgot to make a list and can’t remember what I need, I almost panicked when I saw an SUV that looked like Kevin’s, and I’m going on all these terrible dates with ridiculous people from that stupid dating site you made me join, and I don’t actually even want to date anyone!  See?  I’m a fucking mess.”
“Jenna, you’ve been divorced for about 10 minutes.  I think you’re supposed to be a mess.”  I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t know what to say.  I just wanted to go home.  “Look, when my mom died, it was really bad for awhile.  And then it got better.  But even after it got better, some days were awful for no particular reason.  I’d just be going about my business, thinking I was fine, and then grief would punch me in the face.  The next day I’d be okay again.  I imagine it’s similar when you get divorced.”
“Yeah,” I agreed softly.  “That sounds about right.”
“Look, groceries can wait.  Go home, go for a run, take a long shower, do something relaxing.  Try again tomorrow.  You’ll feel better then.”  I knew I could count on Chelsea to get me calmed down and pointed in the right direction.  I thanked her and we hung up, then I started my car and drove home.

I considered canceling my date with Mike that night, because I still was just feeling a bit off, but I hoped that being social with someone whose company I enjoyed would help.  I realized my mistake halfway through dinner when Mike gently asked if I was okay.  “Yeah,” I said, giving him what I hoped was a bright smile.  “I just didn’t sleep well last night, I’m a little tired.”  The lie rolled off my tongue before I could even stop to think, and I added guilt to my tumultuous list of current emotions. 
“Well, I won’t keep you out too late, then,” he said, smiling kindly.  I felt even worse for lying.  Not that the lie I told was a big deal, but I hated that it happened so easily.
We finished dinner and Mike offered to take me home.  Once we got there--against my better judgment--I invited him in.  We put on a movie and cuddled on the couch and I was feeling better until he brushed my hair back from my face and kissed my forehead lightly.  To my horror, I started to cry again.
“Whoa,” Mike said, surprised.  “Jenna, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” I sniffled.  “I’m just having one of those days, I guess.  This is so weird.”  Mike looked like he had no idea what to do with me, but he rubbed my back while I got it together.  Finally, I looked at him shyly with eyes that were probably bloodshot as hell.  “You know, I’m really sorry.”  He started to interrupt me and shrug off my apology, but I shook my head.  “No, I think you’re really great, but I shouldn’t be dating.  I’m not ready, this is a mess.  I think maybe you should go.  I’m sorry.”
Mike nodded.  “Sure,” he said.  He looked confused and I felt terrible.  He carefully untangled himself from me and stood.  At the door, he turned and looked at me awkwardly for a few seconds before he said, “So I guess I probably won’t see you again.”
“Yeah, I guess not,” I replied, no less awkward.
He looked around and shrugged.  “Well, enjoy your house, then.”  And then he left.  I slumped back into the corner of the couch and cried some more.  I’d cried more today than I had total since the day I found the condom wrapper in Kevin’s pocket.

I stayed slumped into the couch for a really long time.  I had no real idea how long it was, I just stayed there until I realized how uncomfortable I was, then I carefully untangled myself.  I pulled my laptop out, logged into the dating site, and deleted my profile.  Then I walked over to my purse, fished out the cocktail napkin with last night’s waiter’s name and number on it, ripped it up, and threw it away.  Satisfied by my destruction of anything related to dating, I went upstairs and got in bed, not even bothering to get undressed.