Sorry all!

Hi!  I'm so sorry, I have not forgotten about you guys.  I'm making some changes to the storyline and the next post is not quite ready.  I anticipate it being up probably later tonight or sometime Friday.  Saturday at the latest!  Thanks for your patience.  I know I've been pretty inconsistent here, and I do apologize for that.

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Chapter 22 (6/20/16)

I pulled into the grocery store parking lot fairly early on Saturday.  I’d ended up in bed shortly after I got home from my date, which led to an early wake up.  I figured I should take advantage of that and hit the store early to avoid the crowds.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one with that idea, and the parking lot was much fuller than I anticipated.  Oh well, it was definitely better than it would be later on.  I was about to get out of my car when I saw an SUV go past that looked exactly like Kevin’s.  Same make and model, same color, everything.  I froze, not even sure if it was his.  My eyes followed it until it drove out of the parking lot, and I was relieved.  Then I realized I hadn’t even made a grocery list.

I pulled out my phone and opened my notes app, but I couldn’t remember what I needed or even what I had been thinking about cooking this week.  As I stared at the blank note on my phone, my eyes filled with tears.  I tried to fight them, but eventually I dropped my phone into my lap, covered my face with my hands, and leaned my head against the steering wheel, giving into the full on ugly crying. 

Once I had regained some semblance of control, I fumbled with my phone and dialed a number.  Chelsea answered on the second ring.  “Jenna!  I was just thinking about you.”

“I’m a mess,” I managed before I started crying again.

“Jenna, what’s wrong?” Chelsea asked, sounding concerned.  “Hey, breathe.  Calm down.  Tell me who to kill.”

“No one.  Kevin.  The asshole I went out with last night.  I don’t even know,” I choked out between sobs and hiccupping breaths. 

Chelsea let me calm down and then she said, “What did Kevin do now? Who is the asshole you went out with last night?  And why are you crying?”

“I’m crying because I forgot to make a grocery list,” I said bitterly. 

“Well that seems like a very un-Jenna-like reason to cry,” Chelsea pointed out.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” I grumbled, sniffling and rubbing furiously at my eyes.  “I’m sitting in the grocery store parking lot sobbing because I forgot to make a list and can’t remember what I need, I almost panicked when I saw an SUV that looked like Kevin’s, and I’m going on all these terrible dates with ridiculous people from that stupid dating site you made me join, and I don’t actually even want to date anyone!  See?  I’m a fucking mess.”

“Jenna, you’ve been divorced for about 10 minutes.  I think you’re supposed to be a mess.”  I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t know what to say.  I just wanted to go home.  “Look, when my mom died, it was really bad for awhile.  And then it got better.  But even after it got better, some days were awful for no particular reason.  I’d just be going about my business, thinking I was fine, and then grief would punch me in the face.  The next day I’d be okay again.  I imagine it’s similar when you get divorced.”

“Yeah,” I agreed softly.  “That sounds about right.”

“Look, groceries can wait.  Go home, go for a run, take a long shower, do something relaxing.  Try again tomorrow.  You’ll feel better then.”  I knew I could count on Chelsea to get me calmed down and pointed in the right direction.  I thanked her and we hung up, then I started my car and drove home.

I considered canceling my date with Mike that night, because I still was just feeling a bit off, but I hoped that being social with someone whose company I enjoyed would help.  I realized my mistake halfway through dinner when Mike gently asked if I was okay.  “Yeah,” I said, giving him what I hoped was a bright smile.  “I just didn’t sleep well last night, I’m a little tired.”  The lie rolled off my tongue before I could even stop to think, and I added guilt to my tumultuous list of current emotions. 

“Well, I won’t keep you out too late, then,” he said, smiling kindly.  I felt even worse for lying.  Not that the lie I told was a big deal, but I hated that it happened so easily.

We finished dinner and Mike offered to take me home.  Once we got there--against my better judgment--I invited him in.  We put on a movie and cuddled on the couch and I was feeling better until he brushed my hair back from my face and kissed my forehead lightly.  To my horror, I started to cry again.

“Whoa,” Mike said, surprised.  “Jenna, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” I sniffled.  “I’m just having one of those days, I guess.  This is so weird.”  Mike looked like he had no idea what to do with me, but he rubbed my back while I got it together.  Finally, I looked at him shyly with eyes that were probably bloodshot as hell.  “You know, I’m really sorry.”  He started to interrupt me and shrug off my apology, but I shook my head.  “No, I think you’re really great, but I shouldn’t be dating.  I’m not ready, this is a mess.  I think maybe you should go.  I’m sorry.”

Mike nodded.  “Sure,” he said.  He looked confused and I felt terrible.  He carefully untangled himself from me and stood.  At the door, he turned and looked at me awkwardly for a few seconds before he said, “So I guess I probably won’t see you again.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” I replied, no less awkward.

He looked around and shrugged.  “Well, enjoy your house, then.”  And then he left.  I slumped back into the corner of the couch and cried some more.  I’d cried more today than I had total since the day I found the condom wrapper in Kevin’s pocket.

I stayed slumped into the couch for a really long time.  I had no real idea how long it was, I just stayed there until I realized how uncomfortable I was, then I carefully untangled myself.  I pulled my laptop out, logged into the dating site, and deleted my profile.  Then I walked over to my purse, fished out the cocktail napkin with last night’s waiter’s name and number on it, ripped it up, and threw it away.  Satisfied by my destruction of anything related to dating, I went upstairs and got in bed, not even bothering to get undressed.

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Chapter 21 (6/16/16)

“What do you mean?” Erica asked over the phone.  I could picture her face, puzzled.

“I mean that it was awful,” I whined.  “Seriously, so bad.  It seemed like he had no idea what he was doing.”  It was two days after my date with Mike ended in bedroom disaster, and I was only now getting a chance to tell Erica about it. 

“Maybe he was nervous?” Erica suggested.  “I mean, I’ve met him, and he doesn’t seem like the type to not know what he’s doing in bed.” 

“But he didn’t,” I told her.  “I guess he could have been nervous, but I don’t think nervousness is enough to make anyone completely forget that a thing called a clit exists, Erica.”

“Oh, that is bad,” she said.  “Well…” She trailed off, unable to complete her sentence.  We were both quiet for several seconds and then she said, “Are you going to give it another shot?”

“I like him otherwise,” I replied.  “He’s really funny, and he’s smart, and he’s really nice to me…Well, to everyone.”

“You didn’t answer the question, Jen.”

“Yeah, I will.  Maybe he was just nervous.  I shouldn’t get rid of someone just because of one bad round of sex, right?” I felt like I was trying to talk myself into it, and I probably was.

“No, not someone who is otherwise awesome,” Erica said firmly. 

I sighed and nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.  I was really disappointed that the sex with Mike had been awful.  You know how when it’s good, even if you don’t get off, you still enjoy yourself?  Yeah, there was none of that.  There was very little that was enjoyable at all.  Making out with him was fun, but that’s where it stopped. 

“Sorry, Jenna, I have to go,” Erica said, interrupting my self-pity party.  “John is going to be home soon and I have to figure out what we’re going to do for dinner.”

“Okay,” I replied.  “Well, I’ll let you know how round 2 goes.” 

We said goodbye and I got on with my evening, making myself some dinner and then eating and cleaning up the kitchen quickly.  I was eager to get back to my computer.  I had stopped returning Dan’s calls and texts (and he had only called once and texted once before he got the picture) but had just started talking to a new guy from the dating site, and so far he had my interest. 

I plopped onto the couch and opened my laptop.  After I logged into the dating site, I clicked around, looking at a couple profiles before I went to my messages.  I saw the guy I had been talking to was online, and we started chatting.  By the time I went to bed, we’d set up a date for Friday, and I also had scheduled a date with Mike for Saturday.

On Friday, I walked into the bar where I was supposed to meet Chris, the guy from the dating site.  I looked around, not recognizing anyone.  “Jenna?” I heard a tentative voice say, and my head snapped towards it.  “Hi!” said a person who looked vaguely like the pictures of Chris on the site…and I realized the pictures were taken about 5 years and 50 pounds ago.  He stood and I walked over.  He looked me up and down and then said, “You’re even prettier than your pictures!”

“Umm, thanks,” I said, thrown off by the fact that he barely looked like his at all.  “You do too,” I said automatically, quickly following it with an awkward laugh when I realized my mistake. 

Chris immediately started laughing hysterically.  “Well, I’ve never been told I was pretty before!” he said, laughing away. 

“Me neither,” I said.  I actually smacked my forehead when I realized what an idiot I sounded like.  I left my palm over my eyes for a couple seconds and hoped that Chris was laughing too loudly to have heard. 

“Anyway, I ordered you a drink!” Chris told me.  Everything he said sounded like he was incredibly excited about it.  “I didn’t actually know what you liked, so I just got you a gin and tonic, because everyone likes those!”

Everyone except for me, apparently.  I smiled politely and took a sip, forcing my face to stay neutral as I swallowed the disgusting concoction.  “How considerate,” I said, putting the drink down.

“You’re welcome!  I also ordered us an appetizer!  I hope you like shrimp!”  This date had only been going on for 5 minutes and it was already the worst date of my life. 

“Oh, great,” I forced out.  “You really thought of everything.  So, um, what do you do again?”

“I work in finance!” he replied proudly.  I tried my best to be polite and friendly, and he gladly droned on about his job for the next 20 minutes.  While he mentioned his 6 figure income several times, he didn’t even notice I’d barely touched my drink or the appetizer. 

When he got up to use the bathroom, I signaled to our waiter, who came over.  I shoved a $10 bill and my mostly full gin and tonic at him and said, “Can you take this and bring me back a vodka soda with a lime?  If you can make it happen before he comes back, you’ll be my hero.”  He gave me a knowing grin and hurried over to the bar.  I watched him lean over the bar and talk to the bartender, then he slid behind the bar and made the drink himself.  He returned with the drink and my change, which I waved off.  Just as he left the table, I saw Chris approaching from the bathroom.  I took a long drink out of my glass, relieved that it didn’t taste like Christmas. 

“Did you miss me?” he asked, sitting back down.  He didn’t wait for me to respond, just started laughing.  I took another long drink, closing my eyes so I didn’t roll them.  Now that I enjoyed my drink, it was gone within minutes.  “Waiter!” Chris called, spotting my empty glass.  “Waiter!” He waved at our waiter, making me cringe.  When he approached, looking bemused, Chris said, “Could you bring the lady another G and T?”  G and T?  Really?  I gave the waiter a weak smile as he strode away.

“You won’t have to wait long,” he assured me.  “People understand the importance of working quickly around people like me.”

“People…like you?” I asked, unable to hide my confusion.

He smiled at me and patted the back of my hand like I was a child.  “Important people who work with large sums of money,” he said slowly.  I wasn’t sure what had happened in the bathroom, but I did know that he went in brimming with enthusiasm and came out as a condescending asshole. 

Our waiter returned quickly, and a sip of the drink told me it was another vodka soda.  I gave him a grateful smile and he winked at me before he turned to leave.  “See?” Chris said.  “People don’t keep me waiting.”  He gave me a pointed look when he said that, and I sputtered a little in surprise.  Then he grinned widely and said, “I’m just kidding with you, Jenny!”

“It’s, uh, Jenna, actually…” I said. 

“That’s what I said,” he told me, waving his hand dismissively. 

“Oh,” I replied.  “I thought—“

He cut me off, saying, “But you don’t have to think tonight!  Tonight is for fun!  Oh, let me tell about this time that my coworker lost a major account and I…” I tuned out as he blabbered on and on about work. 

When I finished my drink, I yawned.  “Oh man,” I said, interrupting his 17^th story about how an incompetent coworker screwed something up and he saved the day.  “I’d better get going.  Can’t drink anymore, I need to drive myself home.”

“Well, why didn’t you take a cab or something?” he asked, looking really perplexed.  “I’m thinking about getting a driver, actually.  Did you know that—“

“Really, I need to go,” I said firmly, interrupting him again.  I pulled out my wallet.  “Here, let me—“

It was his turn to interrupt me.  “Don’t be silly!” he said.  “I never let a beautiful girl pay for her drinks.”

“Of course,” I replied.  I considered just throwing some cash on the table and running, but decided this was not a hill I wanted to die on.  I just wanted to get the hell out.  “Thank you,” I said, forcing a smile.  “Have a good night.”

“Wait,” he said, looking confused as I stood up.  “I can walk you out.  When can I see you again?”

I shook my head and said, “Thank you for the drinks, but I’m not interested in seeing you again.”  I took advantage of his obvious shock and hurried towards the door.

I got to my car safely, but as I was unlocking the door I heard someone call, “Hey, wait a sec!” I yanked the door open quickly, ready to make my escape, before I realized the voice didn’t sound a thing like Chris’s.  I turned cautiously, and saw our waiter hurrying after me.  I waited to see what he wanted.  He slowed when he approached me.  “My name is Ryan, I don’t work in finance, and I make a mean vodka soda,” he said, winking.  Then he shoved a cocktail napkin into my hand, turned, and jogged back towards the restaurant.

I stood in the cold, not sure how to react.  Finally, I got into my car, turned on the light, and smoothed out the crumpled napkin.  Scrawled across it was “Ryan” and a phone number.  He was cute, but he looked young.  I tossed the napkin into my purse for now and headed for home.

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Chapter 20 (6/12/16)

I was still so upset about Kevin’s comments that I didn’t even want to respond to Mike’s text the next day, telling me that he’d had a lot of fun and was looking forward to seeing me again.  I felt so bitter and angry that I was worried it would come out sideways in my response to him.   Instead, I spent the morning finding someone to come replace my water heater.  The earliest someone could come out was early afternoon, so I did a little more unpacking and organizing to pass the time until he came.  4 hours and several hundred dollars later, I had a functioning (and non-leaking!) water heater.

Running had taken a backseat to packing, and the now significant amount of snow on the ground didn’t help motivate me either.  Snow aside, I admitted to myself that as much as I hated it, running sort of regularly had really helped my mood.  I checked the weather and saw a high temperature of 9 degrees today.  I didn’t think I could run in weather that cold, but I bundled up and went for a quick walk.  Despite the cold, it was a bright, sunny day and my short time outside did help cheer me up a little.

When I got home, I took a shower to warm up, heated up some leftovers for dinner, and texted Mike back, suggesting we go out Tuesday or Wednesday.  I already had a date with Dan on Monday.  I had completely skipped the early 20s “dating around” phase and was sort of embarrassed to admit that I got a bit of a thrill out of the idea of dating two men at the same time.  I had no intentions of being shady about it, and both of them knew I wasn’t interested in anything serious, but it still gave me that exciting “doing something wrong, could get caught” feeling.  Ridiculous, right?  I know.

When Monday rolled around, I was tired and cranky from my less than ideal weekend.  I kept to myself at work and had to give myself a pep talk before getting out of my car at the restaurant where I was meeting Dan. 

He was, as usual, already there.  He was one of the only men I’d ever dealt with that was consistently early.  He stood as I came in and greeted me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek.  He looked especially good in a dark blazer, crisp white shirt, and no tie.  “You look fancy,” I commented, checking him out.

“Thanks,” he said, chuckling.  “Big meeting today at work.  I had to impress the important people.”

“And did you?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

He shrugged.  “I sure hope so.”  Then he changed the subject.  I thought it was a little weird that he didn’t tell me what the meeting was about, but I quickly forgot about it when our server came to get my drink order. 

After dinner, I invited Dan over to see my new house.  I took him on the tour of the house, conveniently ending it in my bedroom.  “Very nice!” Dan said sincerely.  “I’m glad you finally found something.” 

I stood near my bed, willing him to come over.  Instead, he lingered in the doorway.  Finally, I gave up and walked over to him, sliding my hands up his chest and linking them behind his neck.  He grinned at me and kissed me, and I slipped my hands into his hair as I kissed him back.  We kissed for several seconds, then he pulled away, kissed my forehead, and said, “Want to watch a movie or something?”  Then, while I stood there and stared at him, confused, he turned and started for the stairs. 

I huffed out a frustrated breath, and he turned, puzzled.  “What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied, turning off my bedroom light and following him to the stairs.  “Do you have a movie in mind?”

“Why do you even bother continuing to see him?” Kelly asked me the next day.  We were having lunch together early in the afternoon.

“I don’t know, but it’s not like I can pressure him to have sex with me,” I exclaimed, much too loudly for the small restaurant we were in.  More than one head swiveled my way in surprise as I blushed. 

“I’m not telling you to pressure him to have sex with you,” she replied.  “But if that’s what you want and he’s not into it, then you guys want different things and you should probably just move on.”

“Dating is hard and stupid,” I grumbled.

“Not if you move on from the guys that there’s no point in dating,” she pointed out cheerfully.  “And anyway, you said you had a great time with Mike, right?”

“I did,” I confirmed.  “And we’re going out again tomorrow.”

“Focus on that.  See, dating isn’t that hard.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Easy for you to say,” I replied.  I changed the subject and she didn’t push it, which I was grateful for because I was irritated.  No, irritated wasn’t the right word.  Discouraged.  It seemed silly (even to me) to be discouraged about dating already, but I hadn’t been anticipating that I wouldn’t actually enjoy dating.  The idea of getting to know someone enough to be truly comfortable with him was daunting.  And I knew that I wasn’t to that point yet, and had no intentions of doing any serious or exclusive dating, but it was still hanging out in the back of my head, taunting me.  I managed to put it out of my head and enjoy the rest of my lunch with Kelly.

Despite my complaints of the day before, I found myself a little giddy before my date with Mike on Wednesday.  I’d had such a great time with him on our first date, and I was definitely looking forward to this one.  I went straight from work to the restaurant we were meeting at—after touching up my makeup in the bathroom at work, of course. 

I arrived first and waited in my car until he texted me to let me know he was there.  I got out and found him on his way to the door.  “Hi!” I greeted him cheerfully. 

“Hi, Jenna,” Mike replied, smiling warmly.  “It’s good to see you.” 

I grinned.  “It’s good to see you too,” I said.  “I’m glad we were able to see each other tonight.”  When I originally suggested tonight, Mike thought he had a work obligation, but soon realized it was actually on Thursday. 

He pulled open the door to the restaurant and held it for me, and I gratefully stepped inside.  It was seriously cold today.  “I’m completely over winter,” I complained as I shed my winter gear at the table we’d been shown to.   “Can you find me a new house somewhere warm?”

Mike looked at me with mock horror.  “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find the one you bought?” he asked jokingly.  “I’m never going to be your realtor again.”

I laughed.  “And I thought I was going easy on you,” I teased him.

We bantered back and forth until our drinks arrived, and then we settled into calmer conversation.  Mike still had me laughing throughout dinner, and I loved his sense of humor. 

When we finished, he asked me, “Do you want to go grab a drink somewhere?”

I shook my head.  “How about heading back to my place for a little bit instead?” I asked hopefully.

Mike grinned.  “I’d love to,” he replied.

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This week's post

I haven't forgotten about you guys!  But this week seriously kicked my ass, and now we've got some bad storms hanging out.  My power went out so I'm posting from my phone and it's so hard to edit on my phone.  I'm going out of town tomorrow, but I'll have a post up for you guys on Sunday, and should have two posts next week to make up for this week.  Sorry!!

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