Chapter 46 (9/1/16)

Ryan was in town, and agreed to let me come over.  I didn’t bother changing out of the leggings I wore on the plane, or putting on any makeup.  I didn’t need to look good for this.  I was incredibly anxious on my drive over but I kept thinking about what Jamie had told me. 

The door opened before I even turned my car off.  Ryan let me in, wearing only a pair of basketball shorts.  “Will you put a shirt on, please?” I asked.  I didn’t want to be distracted by his bare torso.  As it was, I could barely keep my eyes on his face.  He looked confused but walked over to the couch and picked up a shirt and pulled it over his head.  It looked like he had been in the middle of folding laundry.  I stared at the pile of laundry as I waited for him.

“Do you want to come sit?” he asked me.  I nodded and stepped into the living room.  Ryan sat down on the couch and I sat in the armchair in the corner.  “This doesn’t seem like it’s going to be a positive conversation,” Ryan said lightly.

“It depends on how you look at it,” I replied weakly.  I cleared my throat and swallowed hard and then said, “Look, this was really fun.  Too fun, because this ended up going places I wasn’t really ready for it to go.”  I paused and took a deep breath and said, “I’m not able to the no-strings thing anymore, Ryan.” 

Ryan didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever.  Then, tentatively, he said, “Okay, well, what if there were strings?”

I started to narrow my eyes and heard Jamie’s voice echoing in my head, telling me to be nice.  “What do you mean?” I asked, even though I was sure I already knew what he meant.

Instead of answering, he asked, “Are you seeing or sleeping with anyone else?”

“Not at this point, no,” I replied. 

“Neither am I,” he said.  “So what if we did that thing where people agree that they’re not going to see or sleep with other people?  And maybe you could let me take you on a real date.” 

He wasn’t even done talking when I started shaking my head.  “No,” I said, practically interrupting him.  “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” he asked gently.

“Ryan, I can’t do this,” I told him.  “I’m sorry.  I’m just not ready.” 

Ryan frowned slightly, his forehead wrinkling.  “What are you worried about?” he asked.  It was an innocent question; he was trying to understand where I was coming from, but it made me angry.  I didn’t want to have to explain myself, and I shouldn’t have to explain myself. 

“I’m not worried about anything,” I said, fighting to keep my frustration out of my voice.  Jamie was right, I could be mean sometimes and Ryan didn’t deserve it.  “I mean, I’m worried about a lot of things, but nothing specific to you. I’m not ready to put myself back in a position where I could get hurt again.  And it’s not fair to you.”

He smiled sadly.  “I get that, but it’s not for you to decide what’s fair to me.  If you’re not ready, I respect that.  But own it, don’t act like you’re being noble and protecting me.” 

I stared at him.  “Being noble?  Protecting you?  Are you kidding me?”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Jenna,” he replied, which served no purpose but to anger me further. 

“Then why would you say something like that?”

Ryan was now getting frustrated.  “Because I’m not interested in you pretending like you’re doing this for my benefit.  Your decision, which I am trying really hard to respect even though it sucks for me, has nothing to do with being fair to me, and everything to do with protecting yourself from all the potential ways you think I could break your heart.  And I understand why you’re scared, I really do.  I’ve got shitty relationships in my past too.  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t suck for you to put me on the same level as him.”

At this point my mouth was hanging open.  “Put you on the same level as him?  I absolutely have not!” I exclaimed.  “If I thought you were on the same level as him, I never would have slept with you, and we certainly wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

“You slept with him though,” Ryan said, pushing the dagger in all the way.  “Hell, you married him.”

Angry tears sprung to my eyes before he even finished his sentence.  “You motherfucker,” I muttered.  “I thought I fought dirty.”  I stood up and moved towards the door, determined to get out of his house before my tears spilled over. 

“Jenna,” Ryan said, and I heard him get up to follow me.  “Fuck, I’m sorry.  That was shitty, just wait a second.”

“No!” I said, not even turning around.  “You don’t get to say something like that to me and then make me ‘wait a second.’  And don’t you even fucking try to stop me from leaving this house, Ryan!”  I was glad I hadn’t taken off my shoes and could go straight out the door.

“Jenna, please,” Ryan said.  “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” I shot back, finally turning around and looking at him.  “I’m sorry I came here.”  I yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it closed behind me.  I practically ran to my car, got in, turned it on, put it in reverse and floored it out of Ryan’s driveway. 

I made it 3 blocks before I had to pull over.  I dropped my forehead onto the steering wheel and sobbed, twisting my shirt in my hands as I cried.  I was so angry and hurt.  I was shocked that something like that would even come out of his mouth.  It was such a manipulative and cold thing to say, which wasn’t at all like him.  I think the shock was worse than the hurt. 

I got myself together and drove the rest of the way home.  Once I got there I got straight in bed, and exhausted from a day of traveling and crying, I fell asleep right away.