Chapter 45 (8/27/16)

Hi all!  Thanks so much for all the well wishes on my move.  I'm taking a packing break to get a post up for you.  This one is probably taking the place of Monday's post but I'll try to get another post asap for you.  Thanks for your patience!

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As busy as I was for the rest of my trip, I couldn’t get Ryan out of my head.  I was angry by the end of it because I just wanted a vacation from everything bouncing around in my brain, but I couldn’t even get that.  I tried to ignore it, but Jamie noticed on Wednesday evening.

We were eating a delicious meal at a seafood restaurant on the water when he set down his wine glass and cocked a curious eyebrow at me.  “What?” I asked, noticing right away.

“You’ve been distracted nearly your whole trip so far.  What’s up?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to deny it.

Jamie laughed.  “Knock it off and talk to me.  What’s going on?”

I sighed.  I hated his ability to read me.  “It’s a guy,” I admitted, grumbling a little.

“What?!” Jamie said in mock outrage.  “There are other men in your life?”

I laughed at his tone and the face he was making.  “Unfortunately, yes.  It would be much simpler if it was just you.”  I realized what I had just accidentally implied and the alarm must have shown on my face because Jamie started cracking up.

“Don’t worry, I know what you mean,” he said.  “I think we both know we’re not any sort of good match.”  He was right.  I had no desire to live Jamie’s adventurous life, moving wherever the wind blew him for the next opportunity.  I would probably live in Minnesota until I died, and I was completely okay with that.  Jamie would never be happy with that.  “So tell me about this guy.”

Feeling weird, because Jamie and I had had sex no fewer than 5 times since I got here, I told him about Ryan—the way we met, the way we were re-introduced, our weird ‘relationship’, and the night at Nate’s party, and the poor choice of spending the night with Ryan after. 

“Okay, but you don’t actually think that spending the night is the thing that fucked this all up, do you?” Jamie asked when I finished. 

“Well…” I said, before I shrugged.

“Jenna, come on.  Don’t be ridiculous, you’re smarter than that.  Spending one night together did not make those feelings happen.”

“There are no—“ I started.

“Oh, there certainly are,” Jamie said.  “You’re kidding yourself if you want to sit here and tell me you don’t have any feelings for him.  You absolutely, 100% do, and so does he, and you need to get over yourself and stop being stupid.”

I gaped at him, not pleased with this tough love approach.  “I’m not being stupid, I’m being careful,” I argued. 

“You’re being stupid, Jenna.  This guy cares about you.  You know I love you but you are being stupid.”  He strongly emphasized each of the last four words, and then stopped talking, letting me bask in the irritating glow of his lecture.   When I didn’t say anything, he took a sip of his wine and then said, “It’s okay to be freaked out.  You thought you found the one and he turned out to be a cheating shitpig.  But that doesn’t mean that every man out there is.”

“I’m not freaked out,” I said softly, but I couldn’t hold his gaze.  Instead, I fiddled with my empty wine glass and then looked out over the water.  “And,” I met his eyes and continued, my voice a little louder now, “I know that not every man is like him, but the problem is that you can’t tell.  You just have no way to know until it’s too late.”  My voice caught in my throat and I looked away again.

“Well, if it helps, I never liked Kevin and I like this guy so far,” Jamie said, grinning.  I rolled my eyes and shook my head, trying to fight the smile that was threatening the corners of my mouth.  He waited until I looked at him again and then gently said, “I think you’ll regret not seeing what happens with Ryan.”  I shrugged.  “Well, at the very least, be nice to him.  I know how you get.”

“Rude!” I exclaimed, glaring at him. 

“You don’t do it on purpose, but you get pretty cold to people when you want to shut them out,” he told me.  “I’m not telling you to be a dick, I just think you should know.”  He wasn’t wrong, and he would know.  I did the same to him after I started dating Kevin, as if to punish Jamie for not wanting to date me. 

I pursed my lips, then asked, “Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we had dated?”

“No,” he answered immediately.  I frowned and he continued, “Just because I know what it would have been like.  It would have crashed and burned.  We never wanted the same things.  I mean, you want kids and I don’t, and that seems like a really big deal breaker.  I’d rather have you as my friend than my ex that hates me.”

“Do you still not want kids?” I asked curiously.

He shrugged.  “Not really,” he said.  “I guess I’m not quite as firmly against it as I used to be, but I still think I’d be happiest without them.”  He frowned and studied me.  “What’s happening in your head over there?”

“Nothing,” I assured him.  “I was just kind of curious if I was the only one that ever had feelings here.” I motioned between the two of us.

He chuckled.  “You, feelings? Nooooo!”  I rolled my eyes.  “I did for a little while, but I just kind of talked myself out of them, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

“Got any tips for that?  Talking yourself out of feelings?” I asked, smirking.  

“No,” he said, shaking his head.  “I don’t want you to talk yourself out of your feelings for him.  I want you to go for it.”

“I don’t think I can,” I told him, glancing out over the water again.  “I know too much about him and how he operates.”

Jamie made a skeptical face.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I explained what Ryan had told me about not missing people and not thinking about the people he’s dating when he’s traveling for work.  “Okay, except 15 minutes ago you told me that he emailed you while he was traveling.  Which means he thought about you while he was working.”

Those two sentences hit me hard.  I blinked several times and then frowned.  “But…” I said.  I tried to think of the rest of what I wanted to say but it wasn’t happening.  Instead, I said, “Are you ready?  I’m ready.” 

“I’m ready,” Jamie replied, not pushing me. 

Ryan was on my mind for the rest of my trip, to the point that I couldn’t even shut it off long enough to have sex with Jamie.  I turned him down.  I had fun, though.  It had been a long time since I’d taken a vacation just for me, and it was a good one.  I resolved to do more traveling soon. 

When Jamie dropped me off at the airport, I was sad to leave but definitely looking forward to being back in my own bed.  Sharing a bed with Jamie made me appreciate having my bed to myself all over again. 

My flight was pretty good, and I drove home to drop off my suitcase.  Then I took a deep breath and made a phone call.  Ryan answered on the first ring.  “Are you in town?” I asked him.  “Can I stop by?”