Chapter 47 (9/3/16)

Whew, the last post caused some big feelings!  I just wanted to reassure you that I take no offense to your annoyance with (or dislike of!) Jenna.  I appreciate everyone's comments and I welcome discussion, but I would love it if everyone continued to try to be kind to each other!  

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I slept like a rock that night, surprisingly enough.  When I woke up, thoughts of the night before flooded my brain.  Instead of being angry, now I was just sad.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how the conversation had gone while I made myself breakfast, unpacked, and started laundry.  I’d gone over with good intentions, I truly had.  I was going to let him know that I couldn’t keep seeing him.  My plan had been to tell him gently, being straightforward and honest, but kind.  Surely it was better than just never calling him again, right? 

Except it hadn’t gone that way.  It had been so much harder than I thought, and when Ryan pointed out that putting my reasons for not wanting to date him on him was not fair, I got defensive and angry.  But now, 12 hours later, I could see he was right.  I was still upset for what he said about Kevin, but we probably never would have gotten there if I hadn’t been such a bitch to him for simply pointing out that my statement wasn’t fair. 

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked Erica and Kelly at dinner that night.  We’d planned this before I left, and even though I didn’t feel like being social, I knew I needed to see them. 

“Nothing,” they both answered simultaneously.  When I rolled my eyes, Erica said, “You’re trying to protect yourself but you’re not being smart about it, that’s all.  I think you should apologize to him, though.”

“Yeah, probably,” I agreed reluctantly.  I wasn’t reluctant about the thought of apologizing, because I knew I should.  But I was reluctant about starting another conversation.  I just wanted some space so I could get him out of my head. 

We spent the rest of dinner talking about the trip to Belize that Erica and John were planning.  It was nice to just talk about someone else and something normal and I was glad to forget about Ryan for awhile. 

As soon as I got home, I sat on the couch with my phone in my hand.  I knew if I didn’t call him now, I never would.  I hit the little phone icon next to his and lifted the phone to my ear, tapping my foot nervously.

I was relieved when he didn’t answer.  I left an awkward, hurried, stumbling message.  “Hi, it’s me.  Um, Jenna, I mean.  Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for last night.  For getting so defensive, I mean, and well, being a bitch to you.  So I’m sorry for that.  Okay, well, you don’t have to call me back.  I just wanted to say sorry.  And I did, so, um, I’m going to go.  Okay.  Bye.”  I hung up the phone and shook my head.  I’d sounded like an idiot, but at least I’d said I was sorry, and that was the important thing. 

I decided to go for a run, and I didn’t take my phone with me.  Music didn’t seem appealing at the moment.  When I got back, I headed straight upstairs to shower.  I came back down and glanced at my phone, seeing a missed call.

It was Ryan, of course.  I listened to his voicemail.  His was way smoother than mine.  “Hi Jenna.  I’m glad you called, and I accept your apology.  I also wanted to apologize, but I was going to give you some space.  I wasn’t sure if contacting you would just upset you more.  Anyway, I’m sorry for what I said about you and Kevin.  I was surprised and angry and I lashed out at you.  It sounds like we can agree that we both screwed up last night, and I’d really like to have a conversation with you about this.  Please call me.  If you want to, I mean.”  Then it went silent. 

I debated calling him back to hear what he had to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Instead, I busied myself cleaning my already clean house.  After that, I sat down to binge watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls. 

            I was just thinking about heading to bed when someone knocked on my door, startling me.  I peered uneasily through a slit in the curtain, squinting to try to see out into the darkness.  I was surprised when I realized that Ryan was at my front door.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, pulling the door open.

“I miss you,” he said softly, his eyes begging me to hear him.  “Besides last night, I haven’t seen you in almost a month.”  He didn’t budge, and as much as I wanted to just shut the door and go to bed and not deal with this, I couldn’t.  I turned away from him.  I couldn’t shut the door, but that didn’t mean I had to stand here and look at those gorgeous, pleading eyes. 

“You miss my vagina,” I said quietly, starting to walk away.  I couldn’t reconcile the Ryan that was standing just inside my front door with the cocky Ryan who had casually told me that he just didn’t think about the woman he was dating while he was working.

He caught my wrist gently with two fingers, being careful not to grab it hard.  “No,” he said, his voice firm now.  “I miss you.”

I turned back towards him, my eyes searching his face for even a hint of bullshit.  “You don’t miss people, Ryan.  You told me that yourself.”  I wasn’t trying to be combative, I just didn’t understand where any of this was coming from.

“I know, that’s why this is so hard.  I’ve never had to deal with feeling like this before.”  His eyes were still pleading with me, and I had to look away again.  When I looked back, I was fighting tears.

“We can’t,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.  “I can’t.”

“I’m not in a hurry,” Ryan said, taking a tentative step toward me.  When I backed up, the hurt was clear on his face.  “We’d go at your pace, Jenna.  This is new for me too.”

 “This isn’t new for me,” I protested.  “That’s the problem.” 

“Being with me would be new,” he pointed out.  “I’m not him, Jenna.  Let me prove it.”

I couldn’t stop the tears now.  “You shouldn’t have to prove it.  You should be with someone who believes it!”

He laughed and shook his head.  I scrubbed at my face furiously with my hands, and I was relieved when he didn’t attempt to approach me again.  “All a new relationship is is people proving themselves over and over until they get bored with it and settle into some crappy routine,” he told me.  “The difference is that I’ll never stop proving myself.”

I wanted to believe him.  I wanted to let go and crumble against him and let myself feel the way he felt, but I couldn’t.  “I’ve been kind of awful to you,” I said, confused.  “Why are you here after the way I’ve acted?”

“Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess,” he replied, smiling slightly.  “I don’t know, to be honest.  Because I think it’s worth it.  I think you’re worth it.  You’ve probably only been awful out of self-preservation, because you’re scared.  You’ve never been awful before.”

My front door was still open, and I pushed it closed, accidentally pushing much harder than I needed to.  I jumped when it connected with the frame with a loud bang.  Ryan looked surprised, but didn’t move.  “I need to sleep,” I whispered.  I didn’t kick him out.  I left it up to him if he was staying or going.  It was the only thing I could do.  I couldn’t bring myself to kick him out, and I couldn’t manage to invite him to stay; selfishly, I took that decision out of my hands and thrust it on him.  Giving him one last look, I turned and walked upstairs to my room.

I brushed my teeth and got into bed, curling into a ball under my blanket.  I couldn’t seem to stop the tears that started rolling relentlessly down my face. I was just trying to convince myself that Ryan had left because that’s what I had wanted when I heard a light knock on my door. 

The door creaked open and Ryan walked into my room.  I heard the door shut softly behind him and the sound of his footsteps continued over to my bed.  I had my back to the door and I didn’t move, listening to hear what he’d do.  I felt his weight on the bed, and then he curled his body around mine, but on top of the blanket.  When he wrapped his arm around me, I pulled mine out from under the blanket and wove my fingers in with his.  It was a small gesture, but I hoped it conveyed that I was glad he’d stayed.  I could feel his warm breath on my neck and he made no move to do anything but lay there with me.  Eventually, I drifted to sleep.